My attitude has really been in the toilet lately.
I was feeling sorry for myself again today.
I think I'm starting to sound like a broken record.
Sorry about that.
I've started four different posts since last Friday,
but I'm not happy with any of them.
They are getting deleted.
I think I've been a little self-conscious over my last post too.
I probably shouldn't have posted such a personal story on my blog.
You know how women always have different sizes of clothes in their closets?
Our "skinny" clothes and our "fat" clothes.
I had to wear my "fat" pants today.
I. do. not. like. my. fat. pants.
Does any woman like her fat pants though?
But I don't do diets.
They don't work.
I've got to figure out how to quit stress eating.
It's killing me.
I've noticed I keep saying the word "hate".
That is such a negative word.
Especially when every other sentence out of my mouth has that word in it...
"I hate when this...."
"I really hate when that..."
"I hate cauliflower."
"I hate my husband's job."
"I hate the phone company."
Hate, hate, hate.
You get the picture.
I had no idea how negative I've been lately until I started realizing how many times I've used the word hate in my blog posts, in conversations with other people, and in my own thoughts.
IT'S GOT TO STOP!
I am such an unhappy person because I keep focusing on the negative.
So I came home from work this afternoon and went straight to my room.
I laid down on my bed, mentally and physically exhausted.
I had every intention of taking a nap.
I think I was there for ten whole minutes.
My mind wouldn't quit pestering me.
nudged forced me to feel guilty for laying there.
So I got up, slipped on my tennis shoes, hung the camera from my neck, grabbed one of my favorite paperbacks - "The Social Contract" - and put it in my back pocket, snatched my sunglasses out of the car, and walked down the driveway and up the road.
No run. No jog. Not even any speed walking. More like a stroll.
I didn't care.
I just needed some space and some fresh air.
I snapped pictures of the old farm equipment, the tire swing down at the cottonwoods by the river, the old fence along the road, the ranch houses behind a field of wildflowers, and the old John Deere tractor posing for me.
I tried to sit by myself and reflect with my book.
It was nearly impossible.
The vast amounts of rain from the previous weeks have done good work.
The grass is taller than I've seen it in a long time.
It's a good thing too, because the price of hay has doubled since this time last year.
We can't afford to buy as much as we usually buy to get us through the winter.
The ground is saturated.
There are even puddles still in the ruts of the road, even though our last rain was four days ago.
It's pretty unusual to have puddles left in Arizona after four days from the last rainstorm.
I found a spot to rest on a large cottonwood branch.
I found the passages in my book that I've previously highlighted.
I tried to focus, but it was hard to concentrate.
I was the main course on the menu at the Mosquito Ball.
The gnats and flys were almost as bad.
And then I noticed how hot it was!
I was roasting!
The walk home wasn't as enjoyable as the walk down.
But the fresh air helped.
The exercise helped.
I feel better tonight.
I've committed to myself to quit saying the word "hate".
It's imperative that I eliminate that word from my vocabulary as efficiently as possible.
It's a cancer and I need to cut it out.
I really need to do this before the negativity eats me alive.
My new goal: I will not say, think, or write the word hate because it is damaging to my positive thinking.
So with that, I will leave you one of my favorite quotes from "The Social Contract", by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, published in 1762:
"Man acquires with civil society, moral freedom, which alone makes man the master of himself; for to be governed by appetite alone is slavery, while obedience to a law one prescribes to oneself is freedom."