I would say that 50% of the time I'm so busy trying to be someone else that I forget who I am.
I feel like I am constantly walking this line. It's a fine one. On one hand, I want to push myself... stretch my wings and push out of my shell. That means trying new things. Taking risks into the unknown. Sometimes it's just simply that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones', so to speak... wanting to fit in and be accepted by some crowd I think I want to be a part of. On the other hand, I find peace and contentment with who I am and where I'm at in my eternal progression... ever moving forward in that direction, even if it seems like a snail's pace.
Sometimes I want to be on center stage, right in the thick of it. Other times I just want to crawl into a cave and never be seen again. It makes me feel like I'm Jekyll and Hyde. It can be difficult to reconcile both parts of me. I've always struggled to accept compliments. I think that is part of it. I want to 'let my light shine', but then, when I do, and get recognized for it, it sends me back into my cave. It has taken me a lot of years and a lot of concerted effort on my part to just say, "Thank you for that. That was so nice of you to say." I've actually had to practice saying that out loud. I've only recently been able to say that instead of some excuse as to how it (whatever it is) could have been better. I just had a discussion about this with my husband, as it has been on my mind again. There is that part of me that somehow believes that if I accept the compliment, it means I'm a snob. I have this huge fear of being a conceited snob. I'm afraid if I get too many compliments on something, I will get a big head. If that happens, it means I lose my ability to be real. There is a likelihood I will become condescending and patronizing. I hate that. Those are not attributes I like. But you know... people say that you pick out the attributes in others that you don't like because you don't like them in yourself. Maybe that means I am that kind of person. The sad thing is... if I am... nobody is going to tell me! They are just going to let me go through life that way, looking like a fool the whole way. So... my dear readers... sincerely... please tell me! Don't let me go through this life having the attributes I absolutely do not want in myself!
Okay. I'm done expressing my deep, inner, dark fears and spilled my guts about how I have to PRACTICE accepting compliments. It's been a good therapy session. :) Yes. I know. I tend to overshare. I can't help it.
Ginger... I just have to tell you how much I LOVE your transparency! :D I don't see you as patronizing or condescending at all. But maybe that's because I'm NOT that way. ;) LOL :D I'll tell you what, if you ever get that way, I promise to let you know, as long as you promise to do the same for me, OK?
ReplyDeleteLove you! :D
Hugs,
Corine :D
PS. I revel in compliments. :) If you want, I'll rub off on you and you can revel in them, too. And I promise, it won't turn you into a snob; but you may have to put up with feeling kind of like a kid. :) I know I do! But hey, I like how it feels, so I just go ahead and feel it.
PS. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss
Okay, I have yet to see an attribute in you that I don't love! You would have to be heaped with a LOT (IE. mountains)of compliments to change your head size.
ReplyDeleteBut I understand your concerns. I also think that if we are watchful and aware, we can stop these attributes from creeping in. You are definitely watchful and aware.
And you have good friends and a wonderful family.
They will keep you on the straight and narrow.
Promise!
Ginger, This post rings my bell. I too struggle with accepting a compliment. As someone who enjoys service, it doesn't come naturally to hear when you've done something worthy of praise. Yet, at the same time, we thrive on knowing that our deeds are appreciated, enjoyed, etc. You are so real and so appreciate you sharing yourself with us.
ReplyDeleteStephani