I would say that 50% of the time I'm so busy trying to be someone else that I forget who I am. I feel like I am constantly walking this line. It's a fine one. On one hand, I want to push myself... stretch my wings and push out of my shell. That means trying new things. Taking risks into the unknown. Sometimes it's just simply that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones', so to speak... wanting to fit in and be accepted by some crowd I think I want to be a part of. On the other hand, I find peace and contentment with who I am and where I'm at in my eternal progression... ever moving forward in that direction, even if it seems like a snail's pace.
Sometimes I want to be on center stage, right in the thick of it. Other times I just want to crawl into a cave and never be seen again. It makes me feel like I'm Jekyll and Hyde. It can be difficult to reconcile both parts of me. I've always struggled to accept compliments. I think that is part of it. I want to 'let my light shine', but then, when I do, and get recognized for it, it sends me back into my cave. It has taken me a lot of years and a lot of concerted effort on my part to just say, "Thank you for that. That was so nice of you to say." I've actually had to practice saying that out loud. I've only recently been able to say that instead of some excuse as to how it (whatever it is) could have been better. I just had a discussion about this with my husband, as it has been on my mind again. There is that part of me that somehow believes that if I accept the compliment, it means I'm a snob. I have this huge fear of being a conceited snob. I'm afraid if I get too many compliments on something, I will get a big head. If that happens, it means I lose my ability to be real. There is a likelihood I will become condescending and patronizing. I hate that. Those are not attributes I like. But you know... people say that you pick out the attributes in others that you don't like because you don't like them in yourself. Maybe that means I am that kind of person. The sad thing is... if I am... nobody is going to tell me! They are just going to let me go through life that way, looking like a fool the whole way. So... my dear readers... sincerely... please tell me! Don't let me go through this life having the attributes I absolutely do not want in myself!
Okay. I'm done expressing my deep, inner, dark fears and spilled my guts about how I have to PRACTICE accepting compliments. It's been a good therapy session. :) Yes. I know. I tend to overshare. I can't help it.