And I'm running from a giant boulder,
just like in the scene from Indiana Jones, and The Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Sometimes I'm alone and other times I'm with someone, but I don't know who.
Always - running away from the boulder, through the thick jungle.
Breathing so hard.
Adrenaline pulsing through my veins as I flee,
too busy concentrating on escaping to fully realize the fear.
And then, just as it seems I might outsmart or outrun the boulder, I come to a cliff - high above a raging river, a high gorge - too high to jump down and too wide to jump across.
I feel trapped.
And the fear sets in.
Sometimes I jump and sometimes I try to dodge the boulder so that it will fall into the gorge in my place.
And then I wake up.
I don't have this dream any more, but I used to have it regularly throughout my childhood and well into my early adult married life. In fact, many of my dreams at that time period of my life were set in the jungle. If it wasn't this dream, it was about swinging from vine to vine like Tarzan. "ahhh, uh, ahhh, uuuuyyya, ahhhhh!" :) (Yes, I love Tarzan films - even the black and white ones. I'm a Tarzan nerd.)
Honestly, now, I don't know what I dream or if I dream. I don't remember them very often or I just don't have them. I'm not sure which. This is something I miss very much. My dreams were my escape. I dreamed my way out of my problems. If it were a scary dream, like my boulder in the jungle dream, I realized when I got to the cliff with the gorge and the raging river below that I had to either keep fighting to find a way out or I had to just go over the edge and let go. I always woke up before I hit the bottom so as far as I believed, I would just fall forever, with that rocky river somewhere lower than me at all times. But sometimes that was the solution I needed - to just let go and trust that it would all work itself out. Sometimes I needed to not give up, but rather, keep looking for a way out or a better solution.
Why has it taken me so long to see this?
I think, right now, I need to let myself fall and see where I land and trust that it will all be okay. I don't have any major challenges right now, but I have felt overwhelmed and like that boulder is constantly on my heels. It isn't any one thing, any one person, any one anything. We all know what that is. It's called life. And it isn't always what we expected it to be when we wrote our hopes and dreams down in our hearts in the past. But we accept what we've been given or we don't.
We only have two choices - accept it or medicate ourselves against it - drugs, alcohol, food, the internet, pornography, excessive dieting, abuse, or any and all other addicting or damaging behaviors. The happiest people in this life are the ones who choose to accept the cards they've been dealt. They don't blame others for the hard things in their life, they don't wallow around in the bog of self-pity, they don't look for the "easy" fix or way out all the time. They accept the bad with the good and do their best to be happy in spite of the unpleasant stuff. They seek to make life better for themselves as well as for those around them. They see life as a gift, not a tragedy. They take their heartaches, their trials, their discouragements and use them as a way to help - to use their life experiences to comfort and lift others walking the same path they have already been down. They hold our hands, walk beside us so we don't feel so alone, and guide us down the path and help us see through the dark tunnels we find ourselves in.
This life is a map full of long and winding roads. As we walk down our own path, we find others whose paths have merged with ours temporarily. They walk with us a little ways and then they head down another path. Sometimes our paths cross again at some point, and sometimes they don't. My path and my husband's path merged almost 19 years ago. He has walked hand in hand with me all that time and will walk with me through eternity - so, not just in this life, but in the next as well. I'm grateful for that. But I am also grateful for all the other paths that have crossed mine in these 37+ years. I've been touched for good. I've been guided and strengthened by those who were placed in my path for me by a loving God who knows me so well and knows what I need when I need it. So thank you my friends. Thank you for walking along my path with me at this time in my life. You strengthen me, comfort me, and help me up when I fall. You make my journey joyful and I appreciate you. I just hope I can do the same for you.