Non-Functioning

For those of you who are nice enough to come and visit me here on a regular basis... I'm sorry.  I am sick.  I can't think.  I can't taste.  I can't breathe.  I can't function.  In other words - I can't write.  I promise I'll write a post (hopefully of some value) soon.  Just as soon as I can think, taste, breathe and function again.  I hope it is soon... I really, really hope it is soon.  :)

Me + sick = whiny, cranky, crabby woman.

Feelings

Tired
Contemplative
Overwhelmed
Grateful
Sad
Worried
Humble
Mournful
Burdened
Joyful

I am feeling all of these emotions today.  This is a good exercise to do every so often.  It cleanses the mind of confusion.  Writing them down gives them a place to go.  The opposite of order is chaos.  I need order today.  Don't know what to do with your emotions?  Write them down.  Then throw them away, burn them, or post them on your blog.  It's very therapeutic.  Go ahead.  I dare you.

Faith Printable

Download a free PDF copy HERE.

Self-Control

I used to have more self-control than I have now.  My will power is pretty weak.  It's almost embarrassing.  Anyway, I've gotten into some pretty poor habits... Thirstbusters from Circle K - (every day)... I know, I know.  It's bad.  I eat chocolate.  Lots of chocolate.  You know what else?  I didn't even LIKE chocolate until after I had my first baby!  Why oh why did I ever decide to like chocolate?  I was better off without it!  And cakes, breads, cookies?  Don't even get me started!

My good friend is a registered nurse and I was telling her how tired I am all the time.  I even went to the doctor and had all the blood work done... the whole nine yards.  I was sure it was going to come back with some horrible diagnosis... umm... no.  I'm as healthy as a horse!  How can that be?  I feel like garbage, but every single thing they tested came back not only normal, but almost perfect!  I was hoping they would come back and say... "You have this.  And this is how we fix it."  I know, I know.  I really am grateful to be healthy.  I just wish I wasn't so darn tired all the time!

So - back to my friend, the nurse.  She was telling my I need to cut down on the sugars and breads because, of course, they are the bad carbs.  I did know that.  But she also told me that I should increase the amount of protein I eat so that I can stay full longer and that the protein would give me the good energy compared to the bad carbs giving me the bad, short energy.

So, I've taken her advice.  I'm making small steps of progress each day and it seems like I am beginning to feel a little better.  I've been trying to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables... I bought a bag of baby spinach and have been trying to eat some of it every day.  I also bought a good trail mix that I keep on my desk at work.  I have found that if I eat just a small handful in the mid morning when my sugar attack hits, I don't want the sugar as much and I can actually make it later until I want to eat lunch.

But today was the best of all... I didn't drink ANY soda today.  Not a single drop!   Whoo hoo for me!  I haven't gone a day without soda in probably 8 months or so.  I am very proud of myself.  I have a murderous headache tonight, but I'm trying to ignore it.  That's why I'm telling everyone on my blog all of my deep, dark, terrible eating habits!

So maybe my will power will get a teensie bit stronger and maybe I'll eat a teensie bit better tomorrow... I did break down and eat two of the little Halloween Milk Duds - you know the ones... the little boxes that have 4 Milk Duds in them?  Yeah... two of those.  But hey!  That's pretty darn good for me!

That's another reason I'm trying so hard.  Last year?  I gained ten pounds from Thanksgiving to New Years... and I STILL have it!  I'll be really sad if I gain ten more.  I feel like Thomas the Train... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...  I'm hoping after a few more days I can say... I know I can, I know I can, I know I can!  How about you?  Is there something you wish you could have a bit stronger will power for?

Raging Rivers

You can find a free download link for this poster on my Printables page.

We often hear the term - life is a journey and the joy is not found in the destination, but in the journey itself.

That's easy enough said, but harder to accomplish than just saying it.  I don't know a single person who DOESN'T want joy to be a part of their life... every. single. day.  We all want that, don't we?

This has been a week full of hard things for me.  I've struggled to find the joy in my journey, but as I look back on my week, I find that there was joy there... mingled in with the not-so-good stuff.

We find ourselves on our paths, criss-crossing our way through mortality, meeting old and new friends along the way.  But there are times we find hazards in our path.  Boulders, speed bumps, and debris that halt our progress.  At times, we may even find ourselves at the bank of a raging river that MUST be crossed if we are to move forward on our path.  That raging river will represent something different for each of us.  It could be a chronic illness, a death in the family, marital problems, a wayward child, unemployment, an addiction, a mental illness, caring for an elderly parent or sick child.  The list is endless because what may seem an insurmountable obstacle for one person may not be so for someone else.

Some are strong and will find a way to cross the river by their own ingenuity and strong will.  Some will ask others standing on the bank beside them to help.  They might work together to find a way across.  Others might call across the river and ask for assistance from someone who has already made it to the other side to help guide them over or through it.  There is also the group that will seek to find a detour, walking right or left, along the bank of the river to find a new path.  Some will choose to turn around and go back the way they came, regressing and undoing all of the progress they have made to get to that point.  There are even those whom the river claims for itself.  And finally, there are those who simply choose to sit down at the bank and give up, wallowing in their misfortune.

That raging river is adversity.

We all find ourselves at the bank of that river at one time or another.  Sometimes our trials will be small, like the boulders, debris, or speed bumps.  Other times, our trials are so large, they feel like that raging river.  I have had to cross that river more than once in my life and I'm sure I will find myself there again before my journey is through.

The first thing we notice about that river when we approach is how big it seems.  It can be terrifying.  It might seem daunting.  It can be a dark, rolling, churning place.  It may even seem quite lonely.  It will require patience and perseverance.  You all know what I'm talking about.  Every single person on this earth has experienced it.  Our mortality won't let us escape it.  But there is one other thing about it.  It is temporary.  And no matter what adversity we face, it is still our choice as to how we will approach it and how or if we overcome it.  It is a personal choice.  We will have voices all around giving us advice on how we should cross or IF we should cross.  But the decision can only be ours.

So how do we find the courage to get across that raging river so we can move forward?  It isn't easy.  If it were meant to be easy, there would be a bridge there for us to use.  But we would just cross over on the bridge and not appreciate how difficult it was to overcome it.  We would lose the experience gained by problem solving or waiting our turn for an expert to assist us.  We learn to have faith in those experts and their experience and how to trust their advice.  We learn patience.  We learn to have compassion for others also trying to get across.  We learn, after we have successfully battled our way to the other side, that we can do it.  It builds our confidence to help others across.  It gives us the strength to face the next river with less fear.  We learn something from each block in our path.  If we get past it, we grow and progress a little more.  But each hurdle requires a choice... we can (a) overcome it and move forward, (b) stop and neither progress nor regress, or (c) go back.  We might even choose (b) and (c) before we finally discover (a) is the best option.  

So the next time you get to the bank of YOUR river, I want you to ask yourself - "Am I going to give up, quit, and stop progressing or am I going to fight my way to the other side and move forward in my life?"  I hope you choose to fight.

Just remember... adversity is temporary.  Even if your river claims your life (cancer, for example), remember that this mortal life is a temporary state, a time for learning.  A time for us to prove what we are made of.  The next life is the reward we seek.  And as Elaine Cannon so rightly stated, "When we are pushed, stung, defeated, embarrassed, hurt, rejected, tormented, forgotten - when we are in agony of spirit crying out 'why me?' we are in a position to learn something."  Whatever you do, at least try your very best to get over that river and you'll be okay.  :)http://www.scribd.com/gwiltbank

Why I Write - A Guest Post

By: Diane Stringham Tolley, author of Carving Angels (a novel), and On The Border (her blog). 

I love creating worlds.

Just think about it.

Science fiction:

Does gravity work in your world? Does everyone float? What do beings look like in your world? Human? Two legs? Four? A hundred and four? What machines do they use? Or are they still caught in the stone age? How do people survive?

Historical:

What kind of household gadgets did people use who lived in the 1830s? What foods did they eat? What materials were their clothes fashioned from. What style? What did they do after the sun went down and there was little or no light to see by? What were their hobbies? Did they have time for hobbies?

Romance:

What does your hero look like? Tall? Short? Your heroine? Golden hair? Red? Where will they first meet? Fall in love? What hurdles must they overcome to be together? Will they end up together?

That is the wonder of writing.

YOU GET TO DECIDE.

It's up to you whether this or that happens. Whether this creature or that prospers. Or even survives.

It's truly magical.

For the relatively short time when you are composing, you get to play creator. Destroyer. Inventor. Killer. Victim. Hero.

You can leave your own self behind and live other lives. Feel other feelings. Become someone else.

It is amazingly freeing.

And instructive.

Each of us has a story, waiting to be told.

They don't have to be long.

But they do have to be recorded . . .

Creating worlds has always been my favourite pastime.

I do it constantly.

When I should be paying attention in class.

Listening in Church.

Watching where I'm driving.

Okay, so sometimes it probably isn't the 'safest' thing I could be doing . . .

I watch people walking past in the street and make up little stories about them. Depending on my mood, they are sometimes tragic. Sometimes happy.

Usually silly.

But enormously fun.

My first stories were short. A page or two.

Then I got more detailed, adding features and colour and the stories . . . grew.

They grew more complex - multiple chapters, each telling another story or another part of the story and all building towards one climax.

Longer and longer.

Finally, I finished my first novel-length tale about a witch who terrorized an entire town and the simple family who defeated her.

What an triumph!

I was a writer!

Even writers have a hard time expressing the satisfaction that comes with the achievement of  such a goal.

Whether or not your writing will ever be published is immaterial.

You have created something.

Your world will never be the same.

And you will make sure of that! 

_____________________________

Thank you, thank you to my dear friend Diane for graciously writing this guest post for me.  I have read her book and read her blog regularly.  She is a fine writer and has worked in the journalism industry for many years. She is an experienced writer and I asked her to share with me and my readers what it is that inspired her to become a writer and tips on how to write.  I hope you will check out her blog and her book.  She's fabulous!  Thanks again Diane!  This post was great!

A Snippet of My Parenting Philosophy

Good grief!  I'm such a cry baby today!  

It has been an incredibly stressful week and my emotions are as soft and squishy as my middle.  I've already shed a few tears this morning... thanks to a beautiful post by my good friend Lesa over at Notes About Music Notes.  And then I remembered I had a letter in my car that my daughter left on the rocking chair by my purse this morning.  Here is part of that letter.

How can that NOT make a mother cry?  She told me a few days ago that she had written a letter for me in Seminary.  I asked her if it was going to make me cry.  She said yes.  I asked her, "Is it the kind of letter that is going to make me cry AND write a mooshy post on my blog about it?  She said, "Yes, it is.  Just post it on one of your blogs that I'm not allowed to read so I don't have to see it!"  hahahahaha.  That made laugh out loud when she said that.  I'm going to miss her so much too.  (And yes... I told her she can't read this blog.  This is my personal space and I'm not ready to share it with my children yet.  When they are older, then they can read it.)  :)

She's finally getting to that age where she is getting it... why I do and say what I do.  She's beginning to understand that when I tell her I won't help her with something, it isn't because I don't WANT to help her, it's because she NEEDS to figure it out by herself.  I always have to say, "I'm not doing this for you because soon you are going to be at college and I'm going to be 14 hours away and I won't be able to do it for you then either. So you need to figure it out now, in case you really DO need my help.  You do as much as you can first... and THEN come ask me for help."  I'm not being the wicked witch of the west, I just want her to learn how to be independent and to trust her own judgment and be confidant in her own abilities.   I want her to explore her talents and abilities without me telling her what she should be or how she should do it.

I adopted this plan of parenting a very long time ago.  I feel like this is the kind of parent our Heavenly Father is.  And I want to be like Him.  I know for a fact that He hears and answers our prayers... but He doesn't just give us everything we want.  We are expected to learn, study, grow, and make our own decisions.  After we've done the work... done everything within our own power to accomplish what it is we need, THEN we ask Him if it is the right thing for us or not.  THEN we petition Him for divine help in the matter.  How would we ever grow if He always jumped right in and solved all of our problems for us?  The answer is... we wouldn't.  We would be helpless and dependent and always waiting for the next handout.  We would never strive to be someone better or stronger than we are.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't ask for strength or guidance... it just means... for example... don't ask Him to help you win the lottery because you spent more money than you bring in and now the tax bill shows up and you can't pay it.  You work out a plan to try to figure out how to raise the funds to pay the tax bill and THEN go to Him with your plan and ask Him if it is the right direction for you to go or not.  Ask for strength, comfort, and guidance - all along the way - as you proceed with a plan to get out of debt.

So... back to my daughter.  Does wanting her to be independent mean that after she goes off to college, I'm going to say, "See you later!  Have a nice life!  Good luck to you!  Hope it all works out for you!"... NO. WAY.  It means, "I love you enough to help you be who you are meant to be and when you need my advice or a shoulder to cry on, I'm just a phone call away.  You can come home and visit any time you want because you are part of our family and I love you more than you will ever know.  I want you to spread your wings and live a fulfilling life and be happy.  Because that will make ME happy.  I will watch over you and protect you the rest of my days, but I can't do everything for you.  You have to learn to do that for yourself.  Because, one day, you will be a mother and you will need to be strong enough to be the kind of mother your children will need.  You will need to be strong enough to say, 'I can't do that for you.  You do as MUCH as you can, and THEN come and ask me for help and I will help you.'

It's not always easy to be a parent.  It's even harder to be a GOOD parent.  It's not for sissies, that's for sure.  But I see many, many good parents working and giving their all to raise good kids who will grow up to be good adults.  They will be the leaders of our nations.  They will be the champions for good.  But they will only be as good as we give them the vision and strength to be.

The Greatest Tragedy

When I was a little girl, I would spend a week or two every summer visiting my grandparents in my mother's hometown.  It was the highlight of my year.  I would get to take swimming lessons at the local community college pool, play tether ball in the backyard, and help grandpa in the garden.  Grandma would give me sewing lessons and grandpa would take me to the local Thrifty store for... - not one - but TWO scoops of ice cream.  I liked bubble gum.  Or blueberry cheesecake.  We didn't have a place where you could get scoops of ice cream like that at home.  It was such a treat!

Another reason I loved going so much was to see the friends I had there.  Grandma was so good about setting up play dates with other girls my age that lived in the neighborhood.  I had one friend I especially liked and she was my first choice in whom I wanted to spend my time with.  

This friend of mine had eleven brothers and sisters.  Yes, you read that right.  Eleven.  And they lived in an old home that was very small for a family of fourteen people.  Plus her grandmother lived there.  In fact, I think it was her grandmother's house.  But it was only temporary.  They were building a brand new house on the same property just a few hundred feet behind the grandmother's home.  It was going to be huge!  Well, huge by MY standards!  

It seemed like that house was never going to be finished.  For two summers, when I would visit, the house was still under construction.  But by the third summer it was finally ready for them to move in.  It was a beautiful home.  I was in awe at the number of bedrooms.  And they had a shower, that was JUST a shower!  It was beyond comprehension for my young self.  I had never heard of someone having a shower that was just a shower that actually had a built-in seat at the bottom half of it.  I was so happy for my friend because they had lived in that old, tiny house for so long and now she was going to get her own room.  

But then something else happened that summer.  I didn't understand it.  She told me that her parents were getting a divorce.  I couldn't wrap my head around it.  How could parents of twelve children get a divorce?  If you have twelve children doesn't that mean you love each other... A LOT?  Why would her dad just go away like that and why would her mom let him?  I was devastated for her and afraid for myself.  I wondered if HER parents could get a divorce, did that mean that MY parents could get a divorce?  I worried and I stewed and I wondered what I could do to help my friend not be so sad.  My heart broke for her and for her siblings.  To me, it felt like the tragedy of all tragedies.  I never found out why they divorced, but I never forgot the impact this news had on me.  That's when I made the decision that I would NEVER let that happen to me.  Ever.  I would do whatever it took to not ever get a divorce.

Now I am an adult and I understand how people, even those with twelve children, can get divorced.  I've come to understand that divorce comes for a myriad of reasons.  Infidelity, abuse, money problems, laziness, being away from each other for long periods of time, differences in how to raise children, over-intrusive in-laws, differing religious views, etc., etc., etc.  The list goes on.  But it always goes back to one central factor - selfishness.  Pure selfishness.  

You know?  Twenty five years later - I still can't wrap my head around it.  I can't understand why people refuse to change so that they can save their marriage.  It really isn't that hard.  But human nature is to always blame the other person for their part, not to have to accept responsibility for OUR part.  I see so many marriages that end that could have been saved.  All because one or both spouses refuse to be unselfish and put the needs of their spouse above their own.  People want to know what the secret to a happy and healthy marriage is.  Well, I'm going to tell you.  Put your spouse ABOVE yourself!  Period.  Love your spouse for who they are and don't try to make them into someone else.  Respect their privacy, their needs, their wants, their opinions.  Be loyal to them.  Be best friends.  Communicate.  Be UNselfish.  That's what it amounts to. Work harder than you've ever worked at anything else.  Don't give up.  Seek counseling if you need it.  Forgive each other.  Work to repair the cracks so that you can be strong and united.  Change if you need to change.  Trust me.  It's worth every bit of it.  Don't let your marriage become a tragedy by settling for divorce.

Just Spillin' My Guts. Again.

I would say that 50% of the time I'm so busy trying to be someone else that I forget who I am. I feel like I am constantly walking this line. It's a fine one. On one hand, I want to push myself... stretch my wings and push out of my shell. That means trying new things. Taking risks into the unknown. Sometimes it's just simply that I'm trying to keep up with the Jones', so to speak... wanting to fit in and be accepted by some crowd I think I want to be a part of. On the other hand, I find peace and contentment with who I am and where I'm at in my eternal progression... ever moving forward in that direction, even if it seems like a snail's pace.

Sometimes I want to be on center stage, right in the thick of it. Other times I just want to crawl into a cave and never be seen again. It makes me feel like I'm Jekyll and Hyde. It can be difficult to reconcile both parts of me. I've always struggled to accept compliments. I think that is part of it. I want to 'let my light shine', but then, when I do, and get recognized for it, it sends me back into my cave. It has taken me a lot of years and a lot of concerted effort on my part to just say, "Thank you for that. That was so nice of you to say." I've actually had to practice saying that out loud. I've only recently been able to say that instead of some excuse as to how it (whatever it is) could have been better. I just had a discussion about this with my husband, as it has been on my mind again.  There is that part of me that somehow believes that if I accept the compliment, it means I'm a snob.  I have this huge fear of being a conceited snob.  I'm afraid if I get too many compliments on something, I will get a big head.  If that happens, it means I lose my ability to be real.  There is a likelihood I will become condescending and patronizing.  I hate that.  Those are not attributes I like.  But you know... people say that you pick out the attributes in others that you don't like because you don't like them in yourself.  Maybe that means I am that kind of person.  The sad thing is... if I am... nobody is going to tell me!  They are just going to let me go through life that way, looking like a fool the whole way.  So... my dear readers... sincerely... please tell me!  Don't let me go through this life having the attributes I absolutely do not want in myself!

Okay.  I'm done expressing my deep, inner, dark fears and spilled my guts about how I have to PRACTICE accepting compliments.  It's been a good therapy session.  :)  Yes.  I know.  I tend to overshare.  I can't help it.

Beatitudes Printable

Download a free 8x10 .jpg copy HERE.

.pdf copy HERE.

Be Courageous!

Do you ever have that desire to be one of those people who make our world a better place? The kind of person who leaves that impressionable mark for those to follow?  I do.  Not in a conceited sort of way.  I just want to make a difference... to leave something of worth behind after I'm gone.

I was thinking about people that have come and gone and made a difference.  Not just any difference.  A difference for good.  Einstein, Newton, Moses, Abraham, Columbus.  You get the picture.  I don't care if I'm famous or discover some unheard of thing.  I just want to know that my life will be one that will be remembered for good.  For making life better.  And then I had this thought... I need to Be Courageous!  No one ever made a difference in this world without stepping foot outside their comfort zone first!  (I even Googled my thought to make sure I wasn't stealing it from someone else!)  :)

I have been born with talents and gifts that are unique only to me!  I have the ability to use those gifts and talents in any way I choose.  I can hide them away because I'm either too lazy or too fearful to develop them or I can use them, grow them, share them!  Sometimes that means I have to feel a little uncomfortable!  It can be scary to put ourselves out there and try something new.  To risk being ridiculed or ostracized.

I have put myself out on that limb.  I've shared very personal stories about myself and my family on my blog. It is intimidating to know other people are reading what I write.  Sometimes I'm too afraid to post those things I want to share.  I don't usually promote my blog in a concerted effort because I'm afraid that too many people will read it!  That scares me to death!  But I feel a push to share my thoughts and experiences.  So in an effort to make my mark, I will be courageous!  I will write in spite of my fear! Will you be courageous with me?  I want to challenge my readers to step out of your comfort zones this week.  Find one thing in your life that keeps you inside your box and work to step outside it in an effort to stretch your wings and grow, even if it is just a little.  Are you with me?

In an effort to be courageous, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone by posting a button for you to share on your blog if you would like to be courageous with me and a linky list for you to share a post you write on your blog about being courageous!

I think it will be fun!  I hope you'll join in!

<a border="0" href="http://theamateurwriter.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i307.photobucket.com/albums/nn297/bgwilt/BeCourageousButton1.jpg" /></a>

The Parable of The Ten Virgins and Me

Today I was reading in Jesus The Christ, by James E. Talmage.

With recent clarity to my own rebelliousness in attending to my spiritual well-being and with all that is going on in the political arena concerning the public opinion of one vocal man, proclaiming that Mormons are NOT Christians - I have felt a strong desire to gain back the portion of my testimony that I have neglected recently.  I don't like how it feels when I'm not doing all that I can to be close to the Spirit.  

I just don't understand how anyone who has done any kind of research into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (nicknamed Mormons) can even begin to say that we are not Christians.  We aren't called The Church of Joseph Smith... Or The Church of Mormon... We are called The Church of JESUS CHRIST!  Of course we are Christians and I am deeply offended to be accused otherwise.  All that we are and all that we believe is centered on the foundation of the teachings of Jesus Christ himself - The Master, The Creator, The Savior and Redeemer of the World, The Son of God!  It makes me feel sad inside that people would say that we are NOT Christians.  How dare they say that!  I love Jesus Christ with all my heart and will forever be in debt for the price He paid for my sins.  Without Him, there would be no purpose to life.

When I get this way, I feel a strong need and desire to seek out all the knowledge and understanding I can find.  It gives me comfort.  I like to go to trustworthy and reliable sources for my information - places where I will feel uplifted and comforted, not places that will cause me fear and doubt.  I want to build my faith, not destroy it.  That's why I pulled my copy of Jesus The Christ from my bookshelf.  I was on a mission to find peace, comfort, and guidance to know what I needed to hear.  It didn't take me long to find it.

I didn't go to the index or to the table of contents.  I didn't start at the beginning of the book.  I flipped open the book and started reading.  I didn't find what I was looking for, even though I didn't KNOW what I was searching for.  I flipped to a new spot three times before I found what I know Heavenly Father needed me to hear.

I found it on page 535.  There was a subtitle about a 1/4 of the way down the page that read, "THE NEED OF WATCHFULNESS AND DILIGENCE ILLUSTRATED BY PARABLES".  It immediately caught my eye and I began to read.  It begins with the full account of the Parable of The Ten Virgins as found in Matthew 25: 1-13.  And then a few paragraphs later it reads:

"In the parable of the ten maidens were waiting to welcome and join in with the bridal company, the time of whose arrival was uncertain.  Each had her lamp attached to the end of a rod so as to be held aloft in the festal march; but of the ten virgins five had wisely carried an extra supply of oil, while the other five, probably counting on no great delay, or assuming that they would be able to borrow from others, or perchance having negligently given no thought at all to the matter, had no oil except the one filling with which their lamps had been supplied at starting.  The bridegroom tarried, and the waiting maidens grew drowsy and fell asleep.  At midnight, the forerunners of the marriage party loudly proclaimed the bridegroom's approach, and cried in haste; 'Go ye out to meet him.'  The ten maidens, no longer sleepy, but eagerly active, set to work to trim their lamps; then the wise ones found use for the oil in their flasks, while the thoughtless five bewailed their destitute condition, for the their lamps were empty and they had no oil for replenishment.  They appealed to their wiser sisters, asking a share of their oil but these declined; for, in a time of such exigency, to give of their store would have been to render themselves unfit, inasmuch as there was oil enough for their own lamps only.  Instead of oil they could impart only advice to their unfortunate sisters, whom they directed to go to the nearest shop and buy for themselves.  While the foolish virgins were away in quest of oil, the wedding party passed into the house wherein the feast was provided, and the door was shut against all tardy comers.  In time the unwise maidens, too late to participate in the processional entry, called from without, pleading for admittance; but the bridegroom refused their request, and disclaimed all acquaintanceship with them, since they had not been numbered among his attendants or those of the bride."

An oil lamp my sister brought for me from Israel



Then Elder Talmage goes on to say, "The Bridegroom's (Jesus Christ) coming was sudden; yet the waiting virgins (those who profess a belief in Christ) were not held blamable for their surprise at the abrupt announcement, but the unwise five suffered the natural results of their unpreparedness." (The lighted lamp represents the outward profession of Christian belief and practice;  the oil reserves represent "the spiritual strength and abundance which diligence and devotion in God's service alone can insure.")  "The refusal of the wise virgins to give of their oil at such a critical time must not be regarded as uncharitable; the circumstance typifies the fact that in the day of judgment every soul must answer for himself; there is no way by which the righteousness of one can be credited to another's account; the doctrine of supererogation is wholly false.  The Bridegroom's condemnatory disclaimer, 'I know you not,' was equivalent to a declaration that the imploring but neglectful ones, who had been found unready and unprepared, did not know Him."

As I pondered on this, the message I needed slowly permeated my heart and soul.  I know the message my Heavenly Father wants me to hear.  If the Bridegroom (the Savior) were to come today, I would most likely be one of the unprepared maidens.  I'm not prepared as I have been in days past.  I've let the hope and promise for MORE TIME, LESS STRESS, A QUIET HOUSE, etc, etc, etc... fill my days and have given myself the permission to let my day to day spiritual strengthening sit on the back burner, simmering, taking a back seat to life.  I can't do that.  I've let Satan deceive me and lull me into complacency.  I've been consciously working at it for several weeks now and I can feel the progress... increased strength, hope, peace.  Contentment with my life as it is.  A stronger presence of the Holy Ghost guiding me.  It's not all back, but it's coming.  I'm slowly adding more drops of oil to my lamp.  But I've let my lamp run low and it will take time to replenish the reserves I've foolishly used up with a false hope that I can get by on it for now and get more later when life is quieter, less stressful, less hectic.  I've got many more years to go before that time in my life comes.  I can't live on my oil reserves forever.  I can't let my faith simmer on the back burner and hope it's still warm when I get around to tending to it.  Luckily, I've moved my pot to the front burner and the heat is up, but my pot isn't boiling yet.  I'm getting there though.  I'm on my way again... back on the path and hopefully my light is growing.  I won't beat myself up... that is counterproductive.  No.  I will recognize my weakness, learn from it, and work to turn my weakness back into the strength it used to be.  I know I can do it.  I have a Bridegroom (Savior) who knows my name and He wants me to attend that marriage.  I have His invitation.  It's one celebration I don't want to miss and I plan on attending.

You Want a Piece of Me? Stand In Line.

Some days I just feel like a big ole' pie...

And everyone wants a piece of me!

Seriously.

I see why so many people go through mid-life crises in their thirties and forties!

For the most part, I've gotten fairly good at being able to say no when I really need to, but there are times the guilt trips are loaded on like big ole' heaping mounds of whipped cream.  Sometimes I load it on myself and sometimes I let the person I'm trying to say no to load it on for me.  Either way... you get the point.

This is something I've struggled with most of my life.  I want to be the nice girl.  The girl who is always dependable, reliable, trustworthy, accountable.  When I was younger and stayed home with kids all day, I had a little more flexibility to be able to do more.  It's harder now. And yet, I continue to think I can still do what I did then plus work full time with a commute. Plus attend all of my middle and high school kids' concerts, ceremonies, meetings, etc.  Thank heavens none of my kids play sports or I would be doomed!  We did that for a couple of years and it about killed me.

So here's the part where I supposedly have something wise or profound to say, right?

I wish I had it in me, but I just don't have it today... I'm having a hard time seeing through all the whipped cream.

Marriage - Updated

I have had a request for a size that is more printer friendly,
so I have made it a little smaller and added an 8x10 size.
This is what it looks like with some minor changes:

8x10 - FREE DOWNLOAD HERE

11 x 14 - FREE DOWNLOAD HERE

If you would like to read the talk where I took this quote, you can find it HERE.

Marriage

The other day my daughter asked me,
     Mom, why do you always call Dad, "Hun", instead of by his name?

"Hun" was sitting in the front seat. I was in the back.  We were in the car.  He said,
     It's a term of endearment.  It's what people call each other when they love each other.

I said,
     Because that's what I've always called him.  Besides, calling him by his name sounds weird to me! 

She didn't get it.

But how could she?

She hasn't found her better half yet.

The one she wants to spend eternity with.

She doesn't understand that calling someone by an endearing name is more personal than calling them by their given name.  I think that's why I get so annoyed when other people call me "hun", "sweetie", or anything else along those lines.  No one can call me those names except my husband or my parents.  It's personal.

I've pondered much on marriage and how important this sacred institution is to humanity.  As I mourn with those whose marriages have crumbled, I understand how fragile these relationships can be, but also how strong and resilient they can be also.  Having a good marriage is not something to be taken for granted.  I have been tremendously blessed and I am grateful every day for my own better half.  But we work at it every day.

“Whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die” (Ruth 1:16–17). and “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” (Abr. 5:18.)

My husband and I made this covenant with each other before we were married.  We were THAT sure we were meant to be together.  That was over nineteen years ago.  We were young... I was 18 and he was 22...but we KNEW.  We were on the same path then and we are still on it today... together. 

We have never lost sight of this sound advice.  We have never put another person above each other - not our parents, not our children, not our friends - no one.  I am his number one and he is my number one.  We have each other's back.  He is my best friend and I am his.  That is the way it is meant to be.  We make decisions together.  We respect each other's opinions and listen to the needs of one another.  We are loyal to each other.  We allow each other to grow as individuals - to pursue our personal dreams and to be each other's cheerleader.  But we only pursue those dreams that allow us to stay on the same path together, with the same goal in mind.  If a personal dream conflicts with the good of our family or us as a couple, we weigh the pros and cons and make the decision whether to pursue that dream or not... together.  Sometimes the decision is to proceed, sometimes it is to wait, and sometimes it is to drop it completely.  But the decision is made together and determined with one thing in mind - is this for the good of one or is this for the good of us? 

Communication is the key.  Without it, a marriage will greatly suffer.  I've witnessed more marriages fail from a simple lack of communication more than for any other reason.  That's where it begins.  Good marriages have foundations of open and healthy communication.  Poor marriages lack it.

I'm always amazed at the lack of communicating that goes on between husbands and wives.  So many times, you will ask why a person believes their marriage isn't working and they will respond with something like, "He hurts my feelings when..., She only talks to her friends about our problems..., He does this or says that..., She treats me like..., It isn't worth the fight..., I'm tired of being nagged...etc., etc., etc."  When you ask them if they have told their spouse how they feel, they will almost always say, "No.  He/She won't listen..., I tried, but it doesn't do any good..., I'm too mad to talk to him/her about it...etc."  They are more focused on being heard than hearing what the other person has to say.

We have to set our pride and hurt feelings aside and listen to what our spouse is trying to say to us.  It is so important to listen - not just to what they say, but what their body language is saying also.  If we don't understand what the other person needs, we keep talking until we figure it out.  If we can't figure it out on our own, we seek help... a clergyman, a counselor, a marriage therapist... someone, a mediator, in a position to give the right kind of advice.  Going to a parent, a friend, or sibling is not always the best choice because their opinions are biased.  And once a parent, friend, or spouse knows your marriage problems, their opinions of your spouse will always be clouded by that.  Always.  You can't ever take it back.

In the early days of my marriage, my husband struggled to communicate with me.  It was difficult for me, but I didn't give up.  I explained to him the need I had for him to talk to me.  It took practice and patience.  

My husband's mother had been battling bone cancer the entire time I knew her.  She fought it for six years and passed away exactly three years into our marriage.  It was a difficult time for us.  We had a 22 month old and I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with my second child.  My husband was grieving.  I was grieving.  It had been several long months of physically caring for his mother in her home.  We were physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.  My husband shut down for several months.  

I considered leaving.  But only for a moment.  I didn't know if I would get him back or not.  But I loved him and I made that covenant with him to always be by his side.  I waited.  I was as patient as I could be as I waited.  I knew I needed to let him grieve in his own way and not to take his isolation away from me personally.  It was very difficult.  Within six weeks time my mother-in-law passed away, I somehow managed to get through Christmas while nine months pregnant along with a toddler, delivered my second child, and all the while, felt completely alone.  

Sometimes I let my feelings be hurt because my husband wasn't giving me the attention I needed, but he just couldn't give it at that time, and I knew it.  There were small miracles and tender mercies that were granted me through that trying time.  My labor with that baby was only 4 1/2 hours long and I had an epidural through most of it so I didn't feel much pain.  I only had to push three times and he was out without the need for any stitches.  My recovery with him was really good and I felt good and had the energy I needed to care for him.  I knew Heavenly Father was blessing me.

Finally, my husband's grief eased and he began to come back to me.  I waited for him to be ready.  I prayed for guidance to know how to help him.  It took time, patience, and a resolve for me to overlook my own needs and to focus on his.  When he was ready to talk, I was ready to listen.  Sometimes it wasn't so much that words needed to be said, as much as there was the need to just be close to each other - just offering comfort in small, but meaningful ways - a head or neck rub, holding hands in the car, cuddling on the couch with babies asleep in the next room.  It could be found in counting our blessings by verbally recognizing the good things in our life and by verbally expressing love - saying, "I love you", "What would I do without you?", "Thank you for being so good to me.", "I can't imagine what my life would be without you."  We all need to hear those things from our spouse.  And when we express them in quiet times together, they sink deep into our souls and take root there.  

Marriage can be so hard.  But it can be the most joyful part of our life, if we are willing to make it so.  It takes sacrifice, love, unselfishness, kindness, understanding, communication, forgiveness, and patience.  It is worth fighting for.  Don't ever let anyone say that it's not.

Self-Reflection

It's been raining, raining, raining.  For several days now.  It was summer just a couple of days ago.  Now it seems that winter is on the fast track to get here.  The Weather Channel is forecasting snow and high temps in the mid-40's for Thursday.  It seems it's time to get the swamp cooler out of the window and winterize buildings and vehicles.  We'll go from sleeping with the windows open at night to building a fire in the stove in a matter of just two days.  Welcome to the mountains of Arizona. 

It's been a struggle to maintain peace in my home lately.  Contention abounds.  I've come to realize I'm just enduring life, not enjoying life.  I've been waiting for a change in circumstance that may or may not come.  I can't live my life this way anymore.  I'm wasting my days this way.  It's not productive and it's not healthy for me or my family. 

I've realized joy and happiness are recurring themes in my writing.  I often ask that I will have help to be happy in my prayers.  It is the greatest desire I have in life.  But I inwardly struggle in finding it sometimes.  I'm generally happy around people, but when I'm alone, I pick myself apart.  I know other women do this as well.  I hear it, read it, see it... every day.  The father of all lies wants us to hate ourselves... berate ourselves... see ourselves as unlovable, unwanted, worthless, ugly, not good enough.  He wants us to question our judgment.  He would have us believe we can find happiness somewhere outside our homes, families, and community.  He knows that if he destroys the woman, he destroys the family.  That's what he wants.  And I hate him for it. 

But I have control over him.  I know that I am a daughter of God.  I am a princess and He loves me.  He wants me to see myself the way He sees me...  He created me and I am precious to Him.  He wants me to love myself so that I can love others.  He wants me to be kind, loving, compassionate, feminine, nurturing.  Womanhood is a blessing.  We should embrace and cultivate the divine attributes that only women have.  These attributes are not to be squashed, thwarted, or demeaned.  They are to be nurtured and protected. 

It's important for me to work on my spiritual health so that I have the strength to handle my trials and struggles. I've neglected this aspect of my life recently and the effects are glaringly obvious. If I want to be happy, I have to feed my spirit. It really is as simple as that.  I've paid closer attention to my habits the last few days.  My husband and I have worked out a plan to help each other improve our spiritual health - not just as individuals, but as a couple as well.  I can already feel and see the difference.  I've known what I've needed to change for some time now, but I've been rebellious.  I haven't found any joy in being rebellious - only sorrow.  Nothing good ever comes by rebelling against God.

In an effort to direct my efforts in a positive direction, I am going to post the top five desires I have for myself to give myself accountability and as a way to pinpoint where I need to focus my efforts for improving myself.   I may try to do this once a month or so.  I'll see how this first time goes - if it helps me or not.  I'll see... So here goes... 

1.  Feel closer to the Spirit by feeding my spiritual self daily.
2.  Be more patient with my children and husband.
3.  Recognize my own inner beauty.
4.  See the strengths in others and not be critical of choices I don't agree with.
5.  Bite my tongue and speak kinder words.