Emotional Bank Accounts

Sometimes it's easy to feel left out.  It's easy to be offended when this happens.  Everyone has a desire to be accepted and loved, respected and included.  It's human nature and normal.  It's also normal to over-analyze the situation and see factors that may or may NOT be present.

It seems there is always going to be one person or group of people that we would like to feel a part of, but seem to never really fit in.  The tricky part is figuring out how to overcome those feelings of inadequacy and offense so that we don't alienate ourselves even more.

I like to help others.  I like to listen to people and help them work through these kinds of hurts.  So I know this is a common problem, most commonly among women.  I also know this firsthand because I go round and round on this very roller coaster myself, again and again.

You all know what I'm talking about.  Any one or more of these following scenarios may apply to you:  You are the third wheel in the office or the family.  You are the new family at church and can't seem to find the bench that someone hasn't already claimed and occupied for the last twenty thousand Sundays in a row.  You marry into a quiet, reserved family and you are loud and have a strong sense of humor... or vice versa.  You are shy or feel anxious around large crowds so you are labeled as stuck-up or a snob.  You see others get perks or bonus' because of who they know or what their last name is, but those same perks are not offered to you.  You are the only parent in your community circle who home-schools her children and feel as if you are judged unfairly for your choice.  You are afraid to speak up for fear that your comments/ideas might be criticized or put down as 'stupid'.  You don't like to wear makeup or fashionable clothes so you feel like the women who do won't accept you.  You feel the need to fit a certain mold created by others, but no matter how hard you try to change yourself to fit it, you just can't seem to fit well... Like a circle trying to fit a square mold.  I could go on and on.  The scenarios are endless.

I wasted a good deal of time in my younger years trying to fit in everywhere I went.  Trying to fit a mold that wasn't meant for me.  I wanted to be perfect.  To everyone.  {sigh} What a waste. of. time.

We need to learn how to be happy in our own skin.  How to love ourselves for the talents, looks, abilities, strengths, AND weaknesses that are unique to only ourselves.  We should embrace our differences and be content with what and who we are... only changing because we WANT to be BETTER, not because we feel pressured to change for someone else.  If we aren't included, we should be able to accept that we are not accepted and be okay with that.   Why should be want to be around people who don't want to be around us?! If they don't want to be around me, they are likely to make me feel worse about myself when I am around them anyway.  But then there is also the flip side to that coin.  Maybe we don't feel accepted because we don't let people in enough to get to know us!  Maybe we need to have the courage to speak up, show up, or let someone inside our walls.  Maybe they are feeling just as anxious and need me to have the courage to initiate the conversation.

Each and every relationship is different from the next so each one should be evaluated differently.  It takes introspection, a desire to understand, and patience.  Relationships are delicate and can go from being simple to complicated within one conversation.

I heard someone say yesterday that relationships (especially marriage relationships) are only as strong as the emotional commitment in them.  I've been thinking about this a lot in the last 24 hours.  I've come to the conclusion that this is indeed very true.  I've realized that the best relationships I have are the ones where the emotional give and take are about equal.  Whether it be the working relationship I have with my boss or co-workers, my church family, my own family, my in-laws, my husband, or my girlfriends.  I find that I feel left out when I give freely of myself emotionally and that same contribution is not reciprocated on the other end.  It hurts my feelings.  I end up feeling left out or offended.  Then I began to look at myself and think about the people that I withhold myself emotionally from and I can see why they have pulled away from me.  So it is a two-way street.  I am not perfect and feel like I have come to a better understanding as to the nature of the relationships in my life.  It boils down to this:  If I want to feel included or a part, I need to make an emotional investment.  If my investment is accepted, the dividends will be rewarded with a whole group of people I want to be in my life with me.  If my investment is rejected, I should count myself blessed and lucky that I am not wasting my time with others who don't want to invest back in with me.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  My personality doesn't have to mesh with every person I meet.  In fact, it is pretty unlikely that it will.  I just have to learn to see that it isn't personal.  And CHOOSE not to be offended.  Even if it is family or an old friend.  People change.  I know I do.

With that said, there is only so much emotional juice we have within us.  We need to be sure our emotional investments are appropriate for each relationship and that we are giving the right amounts to each one.  Our priorities should be evaluated often.  I should give the most emotional investment to my husband, my children, and to God.  Everyone else should come after that and it's up to me to determine who gets how much and how often.  Don't go in the "red" in your emotional bank or you might just end up having a breakdown.  Moderation is key, even in this.  Don't let others manipulate your emotional piggy bank and leave you high and dry.  Be in control of the withdrawals and deposits so that your emotional account remains profitable for yourself as well as the people in your life.  It takes practice, patience, and trusting yourself.  Pray for guidance from Heavenly Father.  He will strengthen you and help you if you have faith  and trust in Him.  Have confidence in yourself and take control so that you will have strong, healthy, and happy relationships.  It might take time, but I believe we all can do it.