I'm not very happy lately. I feel a bit like Saul (Paul) in the New Testament where he is being chastised by the Lord in Acts 26:14:
14. And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice speaking unto me, and saying in the Hebrew tongue, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
and then in Doctrine & Covenants 121:38:
38. Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God.
I went to bed upset and angry last night. I've been kicking against the pricks for a couple of weeks now. I have been fighting against God... not in any major sort of way, but fighting nonetheless. It doesn't make me feel very good. In fact, it makes me feel miserable. And then I think of this scripture:
2 Nephi 2: 27 (in the Book of Mormon):
27. Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.
I've been fighting battles that I shouldn't be fighting. I've felt discouraged and alone. It's hard when you want to be right and you want the battle to go in your favor, but when it doesn't you have to ask yourself if it is a battle you should be fighting or is it that you are just kicking against the pricks. Sometimes it can be a very fine line to figure out which side it is. The fact that I feel miserable is a pretty good indication that I am in the wrong.
I guess that's what the scriptures are for and why they are so important that we study them on a regular basis. I know the Lord caused my mind to go to these three scriptures this morning to tell me the message He has for me. As soon as I turned to them and read them and even now as I write this post, I know what He was telling me. I've been chastened and humbled. I still have that human need to want to be right and to keep fighting this battle, but I'm going to have to give in and let the Lord be in control. I still don't want to, but I can see that I NEED to. For my own sake. I need to let it go and not be angry because I won't be able to accomplish anything I need to in this state of mind that I am in. It is not productive and it is most definitely not attractive. I just need to have faith, trust in the Lord, and stop kicking against the pricks.