I find my weaknesses and shortcomings to be glaringly obvious as I continue on this path and it can be quite disconcerting for me. It seems that the harder I try to overcome these inadequacies the more I find of them and it becomes a snowball effect, spiraling me down into a sea of insecurity. I grip at the boulders as I fall, catching one ever so often, but it seems the slide continues downward. Occasionally all goes well and I find myself on a ledge with the courage to make my way back up the mountain and that gives me hope that all will be well, but the weight of the world continually feels heavy upon my mind.
My greatest fear is defeat. All I want is to do a good job and do what is right. At the end of my journey I just want to hear the words, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." And so, even as difficult as it is some days, I put my feet on the floor and move forward. The days I want to give up I remind myself to keep going. I have the Lord at my side and He will help me, guide me, and comfort me in my efforts. He always has in the past and I know He will continue.
I will not allow my fear to control me. I will let my faith give me the courage to move forward. I will not be defeated. I will be strong. I won't give up.
I don't mind being a leader. I know that I am capable. It is the accountability of the decisions made that weigh heavy upon me, but I also know that if I make those decisions with the help of trusted counselors in an effort to do what is best for those we lead, all will be well. To be shoved out of one's comfort zone is never a pleasant experience and I am well without those limits, but as time goes by my comfort zone slowly creeps closer to me once again. I've come to realize that as my comfort zone comes closer it isn't because my circle is moving closer to me, it is because my circle is becoming larger and will eventually take me back in and encompass me. I just wish I could stay inside the zone a little longer before I get shoved back out again. But then how would I grow? How would my circle of experience and knowledge grow? It wouldn't and I would be stuck inside a shrinking circle. I just need to remember that the next time I get overwhelmed.
So the next time I find myself panicking and afraid due to my leadership position I will take a deep breath, take a moment to regroup, and push forward. I won't give up and I won't give in. I will try not to grumble or complain, but instead to be grateful for the chance to grow and learn. I will remind myself that it always works out in the end because it always does.