Transition

I feel so restless.  I don't like that feeling.  It encompasses my world and distracts me.  I feel like it makes me vulnerable.  When I feel vulnerable I feel weak.  I have enough years on me now that I recognize this phase as I tend to cycle through the new phases again and again and again.  You would think it would make it easier, but it really doesn't.  It almost makes it worse because I know how hard it is.

My daughter is feeling the same restlessness.  It is the restlessness that comes with a life transition.  We had a good long talk last night about this as I tried to calm her fears and let her know that the way she feels is normal. It means her life is about to change and she is about to learn a new life lesson.  I explained that it isn't easy for anyone, no matter how old any of us are.  It is always hard and it doesn't happen only once.  It happens many times throughout this mortal journey.

She is my oldest so that means her life transition also becomes my life transition.  As she readies herself to be an independent adult I begin to ready myself for the beginning of my life with adult children.  What makes it even harder is that we have to go through it together, but her transition is different than mine.  

I had no idea how hard this was for my mother.  Now I understand why she cried when I left.  I didn't understand it then, but I do now.  I cry almost every day and I can't even help it.  If someone asks me what is wrong I can't say why.  I feel almost as if I am mourning a loss and my soul aches.  Why does it have to be this way?  Why does life's changes have to be so hard?

What makes it worse is that I feel as if I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I feel very transparent.  Blogging about it all probably doesn't help though does it?  :)  I would keep it all to myself, but this always seems to make me feel better.  It's my way of reaching out to the world to find others who are also experiencing these same things as I.  But it is a two-edged sword and sometimes I wished I hadn't posted some of the things I did.  I am who I am though.  I am transparent in many ways.  It is my personality and I have never been one to keep my thoughts to myself.  Sometimes I try as hard as I may to NOT speak, but I just can't ever do it.  The poor people who have to work with me, live with me, go to church with me.  I'm sure that many times they would love to tell me to stick a sock in it.  Sometimes I wish one of them would.  It might help me to not speak up so much.  {sigh}

I'm afraid I will be this vulnerable, sappy, whiny, teary-eyed woman for a while.  Maybe I'll be better in six months after my daughter is at school and I know that she can make it on her own and is safe while far away from home.  When I know she is settled and her apprehensions have eased I know that mine will also.  It just seems to be coming so fast now and I wasn't expecting it yet.  Somehow I thought it would take a long time before I got to this point in the road.  Ironic how time is deceitful that way, isn't it?