Social Anxiety and Me

I became the queen of dirty looks and eye rolling about the time I turned thirteen.  I had it down to a science when I was fifteen.  I have brown eyes that change with my mood and how I feel physically.  The color ranges from a light brown/dark hazel to a dark chocolate brown.  Usually the darker my eyes, the worse I feel.  Because of the darkness of my eyes when I don't feel well or I'm angry, upset, or tired, my facial expressions can be quite cold and my body language shouts that I am not approachable.  My daughter is always telling me that I look grouchy all the time and that her friends are afraid of me.  

I actually really love people and love to get to know people, but I have serious social anxiety that creates problems for me.  I don't have any problems expressing myself or socializing on my blog or on Facebook or even on the telephone, but when the socializing is face to face I turn into a bumbling idiot.  I say stupid things because I get nervous and look like a callous and mean person.  I'm almost 40 years old and still struggling to socialize in a way that I don't walk away from the conversation feeling like a complete heel.  {sigh}

I'm feeling especially low today.  I've made several people feel bad over the past week because of my nervous social anxiety comments and I don't know how to fix it.  It's discouraging for me when I know I've offended someone or caused them to think that I don't like them.  

Part of the problem is that I have such high expectations for myself, my children, my friends and extended family, and other people I know.  It's hard for me to hide my disappointment when I let myself down or when someone I care about lets me down or themselves down.  My actions, words, and behavior come across as harsh criticism and judgement when, in actuality, I am just disappointed or concerned.  But by then the damage has been done and the wall has been raised.  The problem is that the wall can go up instantly, but it takes great effort and sometimes a great deal of time to break it back down again.  And the longer that wall is up, the harder it is to bring it back down.  That is why I feel so discouraged.  The thought of all the effort it is going to take to break the walls down that I built is overwhelming.

I think relationships are the hardest part of life.  They take constant nourishing, time, effort, consideration, respect, forgiveness, compassion, and understanding in order to be strong and healthy.  Sometimes our mortal weaknesses cause us to harm those relationships and it can be painful and difficult to repair the damage.  I wish that part of life could be easier.  But I guess that is part of our refining process - learning how to be better by fixing our mistakes, especially when those mistakes concern our relationships with others.  So here I am again.  At the bottom of a ladder, working my way back up, trying to figure out how to fix my mistakes and overcome my weakness.  It seems like a long ways to go up when you are at the bottom.  But I better get going... it's time to put my foot on that first rung and start the climb back up again.  I don't like it at the bottom and don't want to be here very long so I have to get moving.