A Moment in Time

***The following is just a brief chunk of time in my life.  There is no moral, nothing of interest or value... just a moment in time and a writing exercise.  Nothing more, nothing less.***
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I collapse.  The softness of the bed feels like heaven after a long day at work.  Just twenty minutes.  That's all I ask for.  Please let me sleep for twenty minutes.

Tick. ... Tick. ... Tick. ... Tick. ...

The incessant noise assaults my consciousness with every tick, in perfect harmony with the pounding in my head.  It might as well be a freight train for all I care.  The wall clock is only ten feet away in the bathroom, but it sounds like it is right next to me.

I try to rest, but all I hear is that ticking.

My body says, "sleep.", but my mind screams, "NO!"

The tug-of-war is ongoing.

I hear the bedroom door open.  It stirs me from an almost hypnotic state.  My mind is aware of the intrusion, but my body can't bring itself to see who it is.  "They will go away," I tell myself.  I hear the intruder open a closet door, grab something quickly, and escape as quickly as they came.  Like a thief in the night.  I am irritated by the intrusion.  So I roll over and mentally curse that ticking again.  And the intruder.  I almost forgot it, but the intruder reminded me of it and it blares at my consciousness with every tick, shaking me awake and out of my hypnosis.

My thoughts begin to race as my mind boots up into full awareness again.  I refuse to look at the silent clock of digital numbers next to the bed.  I don't want to know how long I've been in this heavenly half slumber for fear it won't be long enough.  So I just lay there.  A little longer.  Soaking up the peace of the moment.  It just feels so good.

Soon the push to get back to life forces me to move.  I look at the clock after what feels like only a minute or two from the time I collapsed.  Forty-five minutes.  Huh.  I must have slept.  Could it really be that long?  No.  But it has been.  Time never lies.

Don't Be Discouraged. Look Up.

Oh man, I'm tired today!  It's spring here so the wind is blowing.  And it's blowing in a snow storm so it kept me up all night long.  I feel like whining.

When the economy is bad, life is rough for lots of people.  Stress levels are up.  Contention is through the roof. More people get sick because they are not eating as healthy and not getting as much sleep.  Suicides are up. So much pain and grief.  People are weary. That's the best word I have to describe the condition of so many these days.  It is a daunting and discouraging time for us all.  

It's a time where we have to dig down deep within ourselves and find out what we are made of.  I often wonder how people get through times like these if they do not believe in God.  I really do.  That faith and trust in Him is literally the only thing that gives me enough strength and courage to get up out of bed and face another day sometimes.  

I guess it's the ones who have a hard time understanding how God can let bad things happen.  Does he have the power to stop all the bad things in the world?  Sure he does.  But what would we learn if there weren't ever any hard things for us to overcome?  I know that I appreciate what I have so much more when I have had to work for it; not just material items, but non-tangible items as well -- knowledge, compassion, courage, faith.  I didn't obtain any of those things by sitting on a beach doing nothing all day.   I had to work for those things.  I had to sacrifice for those things.  I had to even suffer sometimes for those things.

Source

When I was 24 years old I was pregnant with my third child.  I was due in October.  It had been an unusually hot and dry summer and we were in the process of moving into a new house.  There were some days the temperature outside would get as high as 100 degrees F.  We didn't have any kind of air conditioning in our home.  I had a four-year-old and a two-year-old so I didn't get much sleep.  By the end of the summer I was worn out.  I was big and pregnant.  I didn't feel well.  Then, when I thought the worst was over, just 8 weeks before my baby was due, I got Shingles.  From my waist to my knee.  It was excruciating pain and I had to stay in bed for about a week as the blisters continued to spread.  I had hundreds of fever-filled blisters and every movement was extremely painful.  The shingles cleared up about 3 weeks before I delivered my third child.  I still have a scar above my knee and feel ghost pains from time to time, even though it has now been almost fourteen years.  I still remember that pain like it was yesterday.  

I could have been angry and cursed God for giving me Shingles, but I never did.  I could curse Him for taking my husband's mother from cancer when she was just 56 years old, but I never have.  And neither has my husband.  I could have cursed Him when I had a miscarriage, but I didn't.  I could have cursed Him every time something hard happened in my life, but I haven't.  How could I ever curse Him when He has blessed me with SO much?

I learned so much from this experience.  Having those shingles allowed me to feel compassion for others who suffer from extreme pain that is constant.  It is a hard thing to suffer from chronic pain day in and day out.  

I have depression.  It will always be a part of me.  I don't know any different.  I used to think it wasn't fair, but I don't think that way anymore.  Having depression helps me to seek to understand people and to not judge their actions or behaviors.  I do this because I want people to understand me when I'm not doing so well or going through a "low".  I don't want to be judged as a snob or unwilling to help just because I am overly tired or not as cheerful as normal.  I want to be understood so I also try to understand as well as I am capable.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  

I guess the message I want to give today is this:  Please don't give up.  Please don't curse God.  Life can be hard, but it won't ALWAYS be hard.  Look for the rays of light even when the clouds seem so dark, because they are always there.  Pray for help.  Plead to God to comfort and bless you.  He will.  He has for me so many times that I can't even begin to count them all.  Look up.  Hold your head high.  Get out of bed.  Get dressed.  Face the new day with courage.  Look for the good in people and in yourself.  I promise you will find it.

The Choice to Make Dinner

I woke up tired today.  Like many days, I hit the "snooze" button on my alarm clock at least twice.  I can't remember for sure; it could have been more than twice.  So I laid there and debated on getting up or rolling over and going back to sleep, even though going back to sleep isn't even an option.  Kids have to get to school and I have to get to work.  But that doesn't mean I didn't consider it.  

As I contemplated staying in my warm cocoon a few more minutes, I remembered the dinner I've been wanting to make in the crock pot all week.  I pulled a package of carne asada out of the freezer last night to defrost, only after remembering to do so after I had already crawled into bed.  It took a little time, but that memory slowly came back into focus as I laid there.

"Okay", I said to myself, "Get up.  Don't lay here anymore.  Get up and get that food in the crock pot for dinner tonight."  

I didn't want to.  Not one bit.  But we have been on the run all week and my poor family hasn't had a decent meal in days.  So I drug myself up and showered, said my morning prayer, then made my way to the kitchen.  There was that package of meat, right where I left it.  So I went to work -- seasoned the meat and peeled and chopped some carrots and potatoes.  I still had fifteen minutes to spare before my designated time to get ready for the day.  I couldn't believe I still had that much time.  I made myself a bowl of creamed wheat cereal and sat down to read my scriptures.  I finished the chapter in my scriptures and still had five minutes to spare.

I realized I still had enough time to get the ingredients into my bread maker to have some dough mixed up for rolls when I get home.  I got that done just as the clock showed the time to get the kids up and going for school and for me to get myself ready.  

My priorities were in the right order today.  The morning went as smooth as a knife through soft butter.  The evening should be nice because I already know what we are having for dinner.  The kids will be happy to have a real dinner and not cold cereal or freezer burritos again.  The day feels less stressed, less hectic, less chaotic... simply from one simple choice last night to pull a package of meat out of the freezer and one more simple choice to get out of bed this morning.  They were choices to put my family above myself.  They aren't life-changing or  extreme decisions, but they will affect me and will affect my family for the better.  

The quality of our lives isn't determined by the big choices we make from time to time, it is determined by the small, everyday choices we make all day long.  It's cause and effect.  Plain and simple.  We've all said the phrase, "Life isn't fair." at one time or another.  It's true.  Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't, but I've come to understand that the simple choices I make every single day determine whether my day will be positive or negative.  I can't always change some of the situations I find myself in, but I can choose how I react to those situations.  I've come to realize that I've quit saying "life isn't fair."  Because whether it is or whether it isn't is irrelevant.  Life is going to continue no matter what.  That's just how it is.  So I can either lay in bed and be lazy or I can get up and get to work.  I can evaluate my priorities each day and make adjustments as needed to compensate for the changes that come.  I've said this many times in previous posts and I'm sure I will say it again, but it really does boil down to a choice.  So, I chose to make my family dinner today; what small decision will you make so that your life can be better today?  

Like a Mouse in a Cage

I always feel a little out of whack when my priorities are messed up, don't you?  It's like a mouse in a running cage... always running, but not really getting anywhere.  Sometimes it's so hard to figure out how to get out of the cage.

So how do you get out of the cage and figure out how to get your life back on track again?

I feel like when that happens we have to open our eyes, minds, hearts, and souls to look for a way out.  Sometimes the way out has been right in front of us the whole time, but we couldn't see the latch to open the gate to get out.  Other times we have to call out for help to have someone come and open it for us from the outside.  We may even find ourselves in some cages that seem to have no gate whatsoever, but we just can't ever give up looking for it.  We have to utilize our energy and strength to find a way out of that cage.  And it takes courage.  Lots and lots of courage.  Luckily we are all blessed with huge reserves of courage inside us... we just have to want to use it!

We all have different cages we want to try to escape.  For some it may be drug or alcohol addiction, sexual addictions, abuse - either inflicting or receiving, eating disorders, illness, chronic pain, depression or other mental illnesses, exhaustion, marital problems, financial worries, caring for an elderly parent or handicapped child, the loss of loved ones, incurable disease, or even sin.  The cages come in all shapes and sizes.  There are no two alike.  That's why it is so important that we are kind to others.  We never know what cage someone else is in or how long they've been in it.

I find that I understand this more and more as I escape my own cages.  The other thing I've learned is to have trust in the Lord.  I read that Proverbs scripture yesterday and it just sank in.  You know how it is, when you hear something that is truth and the Holy Ghost touches your soul and it just feels right.  That's the feeling I had as I read those words and I felt that warmth that comes over, like the dew on the morning grass - that feeling of love... just knowing that God loves you, knows you, is aware of you.  I love when that happens.

As I pondered on those words I thought about all of the times in my life that I was running in my cage and just didn't know what I was going to do.  Those times when life feels overwhelming and suffocating.  I thought back to those times in my life and remembered that somehow it always seems to work out and life gets back on track again.  I can see how the hand of the Lord has touched my life in so many ways.

I also know, now more than ever, that the times when my life has been the happiest and the answers seemed to come more easily were the times that I was trying my best to live the commandments.  To be obedient to the laws He has blessed us with to protect and guide us.  We don't always have control over the cages we are in.  Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't, but blaming others and being angry isn't going to get me out of the cage any sooner.  It's just going to blind me so that I can't see a way out.

That's why having trust in the Lord is so important.  He will never leave us.  He is always outside that cage, waiting for us to learn what we need to learn and to finally call out and ask him to open the gate up for us.  We might turn our backs on him, but he will never turn his back on us!  I've called out to him so many times and he has never let me down.  I know he loves me.  I know he knows what the inside walls of my cage look like.  I know he understands.  The older I get and the more cages I find myself in, the more I look to him to help me find a way out.  I DO trust him.  After all, His infinite understanding is so much greater than my finite understanding.  I think I had better trust him!

"Trust in the Lord" Proverbs Printable

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The Fogs of Life

I have about a 20 mile drive from my home to drop my kids off at school and then a couple more miles to my office.  So I'm used to driving in all kinds of weather conditions... snow, rain, ice, sun, and, of course, fog.  Today was a fog day.

As I climbed into my car and began to drive, the fog was thick, low, and dark.  My visibility was about 25 feet.  I drove the mile up the dirt road and made it onto the highway.  I was nervous to pull out onto the highway with very little visibility, not knowing if a car would be coming at me from either direction at 65 miles per hour.  It was a little frightening, but I couldn't wait all day for the fog to clear.  I needed to get to work and the kids needed to get to school.  So I just had to gather my courage and get onto the highway and go.  

The fog remained low and dark like this for about five miles.  I don't like driving in thick, dark fog.  It scares me a little.  I'm always afraid I will not be able to see a hazard in the road or a car pulling out in front of me.  That five or so miles felt like a hundred.  I felt myself begin to panic a little on the inside, but managed to keep calm on the outside.  I didn't want to let the kids know that I was nervous.  I just kept reminding myself that it's only fog.  It will pass.  I will get through it, just like always.  Everything will be okay.

Soon enough, the fog lifted.  The clouds were still low and dark above me, but I could see the road again as well as miles around me.  I immediately felt the panic lift and relief envelop my body as I instantly relaxed.  Even though it was still dark and the clouds were low above me, I could see sunshine in the distance ahead.  After another five miles or so I was in the sunshine and the warmth instantly calmed me.  I felt happy and at peace.  

But then, as I drove into town, I was in the fog once again.  But it wasn't like the earlier fog.  This was a lighter fog and the rays of sunlight lit up the fog like a light bulb beneath a lamp shade.  The visibility was poor, but not quite so dense.  I felt a little claustrophobic, but not panicky like before.  This fog only lasted a mile or two and again lifted.  

As I drove I began to see how this is like the trials of life.  The trials are like the fog.  Sometimes they are dark and heavy.  They frighten us and cause us to panic.  They seem to last forever, no matter how long or short they really are.  We try to remain calm on the outside even though we are scared to death on the inside.  So we slow down a bit and keep moving forward as best we can, knowing that we cannot go back.  We can only go forward and hope the fog lifts soon.  Or we can pull over, stop, and wait for the fog to lift or for someone or something to guide us through.  But then we are not progressing.  We are just stalled, waiting, instead of moving forward through it.  We have to use wisdom to determine if it is better to stop and wait or to just keep pushing forward.  If we are lost in the fog, it might be best to call out and wait for help.  

Other times our trials are like the lighter fog... like a bump in the road.  They slow us down a bit, but they aren't as hard to endure.  But then we come out of the fog (our trial) and our line of vision once again comes into view.  We can see the road ahead.  It might still be dark for a little while, but soon enough the sun will be upon us again.  Hopefully we can recognize the sun when we get to it and be grateful for the breather we get from our trial, using that time to re-energize, refocus, and rest so that when we come to the next patch of fog we are prepared to face whatever comes.  It is a time to build up our reserves and strength. 

Life is full of symbolism.  Every aspect of life has something we can learn that brings us closer to our Creator...  Something to broaden our level of understanding...  The answers we seek as we strive to know our purpose in this life.  I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of God and his Plan for us.  I am grateful for modern revelation.  For experiences that open my mind and heart to all that He has in store for me.  I do not curse the fogs in my life.  It is because of the fog that I can truly enjoy and appreciate the warmth of the sun.

I Really Lived Printable

One of my favorite quotes by Marjorie Hinckley - 

So I made a printable - this is in an 8x10 size.

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What I Wish Every Parent Could Understand

Teenagers.  They are their own species, aren't they?  I should know.  I used to be one.  :)  And now I have three of them.  My oldest, my only daughter, is eighteen so we have made it through a myriad of ups and downs together.  I've learned so much and now I am in a position to help other teenage girls through my calling at church.  My husband works with the teenage boys in his calling.

I honestly have to admit that about six years ago when I first began this path as a mother of a teenage girl, I thought it would kill me.  Literally.  I honestly didn't know if I would survive it.  But now that I look back I see the growth... in me... and... in her.  And I wouldn't trade even one up or one down for the lessons I have learned.

I look around at the teenage girls in my community and I feel such an array of emotions when I see them.  Love, respect, awe, inspiration, compassion, sympathy, sadness, and joy.  I wish I could put a protective bubble around them and keep them safe from all the darts that are constantly thrown at them.  But that would be counterproductive and they would never bloom into the women they are meant to become.  So I will just have to help them along, one at a time, when I am in a position to do so.

I just wish I could get every girl and young woman to see themselves the way others see them or the way their Heavenly Father sees them.  I wish they could see how important they are.  How beautiful they are.  How strong they can be.  I wish the world would quit tearing them down and making them feel worthless or ugly.  It isn't right and it isn't fair.  I wish every girl, young woman, and grown woman could see her worth.

I used to beat myself up all the time.  I told myself that I was too ugly, too fat, too short, that my teeth were ugly, that my hair was too frizzy... etc, etc. etc.  But then, a few years ago, I decided enough was enough.  It hasn't happened overnight and I still have negative dialogue with myself from time to time, but I have come a LONG way.  And you know what?  I love myself.  And I am happy.  And I'm not just saying that.  But it took time, effort, and a conscious choice to be positive instead of negative.  And if this Type A, perfectionistic, border line OCD woman can do it, ANYONE can do it.

This is what finally helped me to see.  To open my vision.  It was my daughter's 8th grade year.  She is my oldest.  I've always been a little bit hard on her, probably because she is my oldest, but probably mostly because of my personality.  She really struggled through junior high school.  It was so rough.  But it is rough for EVERY girl that age.  It is a hard time... hormone changes, awkward bodies that don't do what you want them to, growth spurts... You aren't a little girl anymore, but you aren't a teenager either.  You don't know who you are or what you are supposed to be.  You are learning how to put on makeup and how to fix your own hair.  How to dress in a style that is YOUR style.  It's rough.  I remember.

So she was feeling pretty bad about herself.  Her dad and I weren't helping things.  We just kept pushing her.  We were too critical of her.  We probably yelled too much.  (Any yelling is too much, but we were yelling a LOT then.)  We didn't know how to handle this new time with a teenage girl.  We were fighting with her and she was fighting with us.  We were just as frustrated as she was, trying to learn how to be parents of a teenage girl while she was trying to learn how to grow up.  We were doing all of the wrong things and making mistakes like you wouldn't believe.  So my husband and I had many talks about what we should do.  We said lots of prayers asking Heavenly Father what we should do to help her grow up.  We recognized that what we were doing wasn't working.  In fact, our behavior was making her behavior worse.  We realized that if we wanted HER to change, to be happy, to love herself, to be confident, it would require US to change first.  So we made a conscious choice to do things differently.  Things got better.  Of course, we weren't perfect and made and still make all kinds of parenting mistakes, but the changes we were making were helping.

This is what we did.  First thing - we decided to stop criticizing her.  Criticizing her didn't help things.  All it did was make her feel bad about herself.  It took a conscious effort to be aware of the things that came out of our mouths.  We also started to focus on her strengths.  We had a family home evening with all of our kids and told them that from then on if they wanted to try something new, we would encourage and support them as best as we could.  They could play one sport per year if they chose and it could be of their choosing.  They could be in the band, orchestra, or choir.  They could be in student council.  Whatever they had a desire to try.  If it was within our budget of course.  We counseled them to find their talents and strengths.  If you have a desire to learn something new, TRY IT!  What do you have to lose?  If you try it and love it, then you've found one more thing to make your life happy.  If you try it and hate, you can move on to something else.  But at least you will KNOW that you don't like something or your not good at something and you will never have to wonder if you should have tried.  You won't get through your life with a bunch of "what ifs", you will have a life full of "I knows".  Learning what your talents are is a good way to conquer low self-esteem.  Giving them the latitude and permission to fail is important too.  Then, if they do fail at something it won't devastate them.  They will be able to say, "Oh well!  I'm not good at that.  That's okay.  I'll try something else!"  It gives them courage to continue on, even after failure and to not give up.

So my daughter came home and said that she wanted to try out for the 8th grade basketball team.  Instead of being negative or saying no, we let her present her case and told her we would think about it.  The practices were at 6:00 in the morning.  We live 20 miles out of town so that meant I would have to leave our house at 5:30 am.  Then drive the 20 miles to drop her off and then drive the 20 miles back home.  Get in the shower, wake my boys up and then leave the house again and drive the 20 miles back to town again at 7:30 to drop my boys off at school and then I would have to go to work.  It would be quite a sacrifice on my part.  It would increase our fuel bill in our vehicles by about 30% and would require less sleep on my part.  My husband and I talked it over, prayed about it, and felt like we should say yes.  We decided it was worth the sacrifice.

It turned out to be the turning point for her.  She loved basketball and made the team.  She made new friends, which she desperately needed.  She was getting regular exercise and going on trips.  She felt like she had finally found something for her.  She only played basketball for two years and decided after her 9th grade season that basketball really wasn't for her.  She ran for student council at the end of her 8th grade year and has been in student council all four years of high school.  She was even her Sophomore class president.  It turned out to be her thing.  But basketball was what gave her the confidence to believe she could try.  It was the stepping stone she needed to grow and find something that was the right thing for her.  

I've learned so much from this experience.  This is what I wish every parent or guardian could do for every child:

* LOVE them for who they are.  Don't try to change or mold them into the person YOU want them to be.  Let them be who THEY want to be.

* ENCOURAGE them to try new things.  Help them find their talents and strengths and then help them to accomplish their goals.  Sacrifice your time, energy, and money if needed to help them grow.  Do whatever is within your power to help them to succeed.  But... use wisdom and don't let them be involved in so many different things that they become overburdened and overwhelmed.  Encourage them to get good grades and do well in school and make that their first priority and then let extra-curricular activities come second.

* TEACH them about what is right and what is wrong.  Teach them to be kind.  Teach them how to be healthy and how to take care of themselves.  Teach them how to be independent.  Teach them by being a good example yourself.

* DISCIPLINE them when they are in need of it, but then afterwards, show forth an increase in love.  Try not to discipline publicly.  Discipline them privately so they are not embarrassed in front of their peers.  Set clear limits and follow through with fair consequences that fit the behavior.  

* LISTEN to them.  Don't judge them for telling you their thoughts, worries, hopes, fears, or selfish wants.  Let them talk first.  Give non-judgmental advice if they are seeking advice.  The more you do this, the more they will trust you and will ASK for your advice more often.

* RESPECT them.  Respect their opinions.  Respect their space.  If you give them respect, they will give you respect.  Teach them to have respect for other people.  Teach them about common courtesy.

* REWARD their good behavior with praise, a date night with mom or dad, or their favorite dinner.  Build them up in any way you can.  Help them to feel like they are special - because they are!  

We still have a ways to go before we've raised all of our kids, but they are well on their way and I love them with all my heart and soul.  I am not a perfect parent.  My kids are not perfect kids.  But we are happy.  We love our kids and our kids love us.  I'm still learning and I will be learning my whole life, but so far, this strategy has been working for us.  Raising kids is hard.  Especially in the world we live in today where they are surrounded by bad influences, drugs & alcohol, pornography, abuse, and broken marriages.  But I still have hope for our future. I have hope because of my faith in Jesus Christ.  So I will focus on raising my children to be lights in this dark world, because soon they will be the leaders in their homes, communities, and workplaces.  Our children are the hope we have in our future.  So, as long as there are children in this world, I will do everything in my power to build them up, to help them to find their lights within.  We all have a responsibility here if we want to make our world a better place to live.

*** I started this post with teenage girls in mind, but as I got through my thoughts, I realized this applies to boys as well.  It also applies to younger children, not just teenagers.  Hence the title of the post.

Arise & Shine Forth Bookmark

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Emotional Bank Accounts

Sometimes it's easy to feel left out.  It's easy to be offended when this happens.  Everyone has a desire to be accepted and loved, respected and included.  It's human nature and normal.  It's also normal to over-analyze the situation and see factors that may or may NOT be present.

It seems there is always going to be one person or group of people that we would like to feel a part of, but seem to never really fit in.  The tricky part is figuring out how to overcome those feelings of inadequacy and offense so that we don't alienate ourselves even more.

I like to help others.  I like to listen to people and help them work through these kinds of hurts.  So I know this is a common problem, most commonly among women.  I also know this firsthand because I go round and round on this very roller coaster myself, again and again.

You all know what I'm talking about.  Any one or more of these following scenarios may apply to you:  You are the third wheel in the office or the family.  You are the new family at church and can't seem to find the bench that someone hasn't already claimed and occupied for the last twenty thousand Sundays in a row.  You marry into a quiet, reserved family and you are loud and have a strong sense of humor... or vice versa.  You are shy or feel anxious around large crowds so you are labeled as stuck-up or a snob.  You see others get perks or bonus' because of who they know or what their last name is, but those same perks are not offered to you.  You are the only parent in your community circle who home-schools her children and feel as if you are judged unfairly for your choice.  You are afraid to speak up for fear that your comments/ideas might be criticized or put down as 'stupid'.  You don't like to wear makeup or fashionable clothes so you feel like the women who do won't accept you.  You feel the need to fit a certain mold created by others, but no matter how hard you try to change yourself to fit it, you just can't seem to fit well... Like a circle trying to fit a square mold.  I could go on and on.  The scenarios are endless.

I wasted a good deal of time in my younger years trying to fit in everywhere I went.  Trying to fit a mold that wasn't meant for me.  I wanted to be perfect.  To everyone.  {sigh} What a waste. of. time.

We need to learn how to be happy in our own skin.  How to love ourselves for the talents, looks, abilities, strengths, AND weaknesses that are unique to only ourselves.  We should embrace our differences and be content with what and who we are... only changing because we WANT to be BETTER, not because we feel pressured to change for someone else.  If we aren't included, we should be able to accept that we are not accepted and be okay with that.   Why should be want to be around people who don't want to be around us?! If they don't want to be around me, they are likely to make me feel worse about myself when I am around them anyway.  But then there is also the flip side to that coin.  Maybe we don't feel accepted because we don't let people in enough to get to know us!  Maybe we need to have the courage to speak up, show up, or let someone inside our walls.  Maybe they are feeling just as anxious and need me to have the courage to initiate the conversation.

Each and every relationship is different from the next so each one should be evaluated differently.  It takes introspection, a desire to understand, and patience.  Relationships are delicate and can go from being simple to complicated within one conversation.

I heard someone say yesterday that relationships (especially marriage relationships) are only as strong as the emotional commitment in them.  I've been thinking about this a lot in the last 24 hours.  I've come to the conclusion that this is indeed very true.  I've realized that the best relationships I have are the ones where the emotional give and take are about equal.  Whether it be the working relationship I have with my boss or co-workers, my church family, my own family, my in-laws, my husband, or my girlfriends.  I find that I feel left out when I give freely of myself emotionally and that same contribution is not reciprocated on the other end.  It hurts my feelings.  I end up feeling left out or offended.  Then I began to look at myself and think about the people that I withhold myself emotionally from and I can see why they have pulled away from me.  So it is a two-way street.  I am not perfect and feel like I have come to a better understanding as to the nature of the relationships in my life.  It boils down to this:  If I want to feel included or a part, I need to make an emotional investment.  If my investment is accepted, the dividends will be rewarded with a whole group of people I want to be in my life with me.  If my investment is rejected, I should count myself blessed and lucky that I am not wasting my time with others who don't want to invest back in with me.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  My personality doesn't have to mesh with every person I meet.  In fact, it is pretty unlikely that it will.  I just have to learn to see that it isn't personal.  And CHOOSE not to be offended.  Even if it is family or an old friend.  People change.  I know I do.

With that said, there is only so much emotional juice we have within us.  We need to be sure our emotional investments are appropriate for each relationship and that we are giving the right amounts to each one.  Our priorities should be evaluated often.  I should give the most emotional investment to my husband, my children, and to God.  Everyone else should come after that and it's up to me to determine who gets how much and how often.  Don't go in the "red" in your emotional bank or you might just end up having a breakdown.  Moderation is key, even in this.  Don't let others manipulate your emotional piggy bank and leave you high and dry.  Be in control of the withdrawals and deposits so that your emotional account remains profitable for yourself as well as the people in your life.  It takes practice, patience, and trusting yourself.  Pray for guidance from Heavenly Father.  He will strengthen you and help you if you have faith  and trust in Him.  Have confidence in yourself and take control so that you will have strong, healthy, and happy relationships.  It might take time, but I believe we all can do it.

Depression - A Blessing In My Life

I've talked about depression a lot over the years.  It's a part of who I am.  Many of you know that I'm not ashamed of it.  I was thinking about it some more this morning as I drove into work and to drop my kids off at school.  (I don't think a day goes by that I don't learn something new about myself.  Funny how that is, don't you think?)

I was thinking about how happy I've become again in the recent months.  I've had some lows that are normal for me this time of year, but nothing I couldn't handle.  I realized today that I can be happy in spite of being a person who struggles from depression.  Depression is a part of me, but it doesn't OWN me.  I've learned how to own IT over the last decade without even realizing it.  I am understanding how precious this trial has been for me and how much I have learned about myself and about others as a result.  I've gained more than I've lost from this affliction and for that reason, I am grateful.

It has made me more aware of my feelings and other people's feelings.  I feel more in tune with myself and with my relationship with God than I could have ever been otherwise.  I truly believe that.  People with depression spend a lot of time in their own heads... going over things, over, and over, and over again.  At least that's how it has been with me.  The bad part is that when you are in a really low, low it is usually negative thought.  And that is NOT good.  But when you learn how to cope and how to heal, it becomes easier to spend less and less time in those places.  

I have spent months at a time feeling so down and low that I rarely smiled or laughed.  I was consumed with negative thought and it nearly drowned me.  I was giving the disease the control and it was not a good situation.  But then, over the course of time, things began to change.  I went to back to school and came close to obtaining my associates degree.  Things changed again before I finished and I went to work at a job that fell in my lap out of nowhere.  My kids got a little older and more independent.  I was FORCED out of my house.  As much as I sometimes hate being a working mom, it has been a tremendous blessing in my life and helps me to combat the cycles of my depression.  I belong to a church that keeps me busy.  Our congregation is a very large family and I do all I can to be active.  I have friends there and people to smile at me and ask me how I am, not just on Sunday, but all week long.  Being around other people is such an important part of managing the lows.  

Some of you may remember some of my earlier posts from a few months back where I was committing myself to be happier and more content with myself and with others.  I cannot even begin to express the changes that have taken place in my life.  I feel as happy now as I have ever felt.  I am more content with my life and with who I am than I have ever been.  I have battled sickness after sickness the last two months that would normally have sent me into a complete tailspin with my depression, but it hasn't this time.  Sickness + winter months = depression disaster for me... but not this year.  

I have made small changes in my life that have impacted me in tremendous ways.  Here is what I decided to do:

* Smile as often as I can.  Especially when I meet anyone face to face. - I haven't been 100% on this, but I find myself smiling even when there is no one around now.  It's great.  Plus, I FEEL better when I smile!  It works! 

* Be sincerely grateful and express gratitude more often.

* Stay on top of my daily personal prayers and personal scripture study.

* Be more faithful in having daily family scripture study and family prayer.  There is always so much less contention and raised voices when we do this on a regular basis.

* Have higher quality Family Home Evenings every week.

* Watch less TV in my bedroom.

* Have a good attitude and try not to be critical of others. (Again, need some more work on this one, but getting there.)

* Sing in the car.  If I'm alone - sing LOUD! :)

* Laugh. Every. Day. - I feel like this one is almost the most important one when I am struggling with a depression low.  There is something physical as well as mental about laughing that just makes you FEEL better!

* Give more service.  Serving others just lifts us up in so many ways.

I didn't make these changes all at once.  They came gradually over the last several months, but looking back now, I can see how these small changes have added up to a large change within me.  I realized that I rarely compare myself to others anymore.  I rarely say, "I can't" anymore.  I am kinder to my children.  I cook more.  I reach out to others more.  I have more energy.  I FEEL happy.  I have depression.  I will ALWAYS have depression.  But I can be happy in spite of it.  I am in control.  If you have depression, I challenge you to try some of these things.  I promise you will feel better too.  It doesn't happen over night, but I promise - it WILL happen!