An Apology

I have to apologize for my previous post.
As you might have been able to tell,
I have been struggling with some discouragement lately
and I probably voiced my negativity a little more than I should have.
I, in no way, meant to offend any of my readers.

I am mourning some losses lately caused by selfish choices of others.
It affects me greatly because I love people so much.
When I invest myself into a relationship it just rips me to shreds
when things go wrong for the people I love.
I tend to be more vocal than I should be
and I speak (or write) before I think of the consequences.
I really cause myself a lot of grief by not controlling my emotions better.

I'm going to try better to get back to writing and not just spilling my guts.
Hang in there with me! :)

Fed Up

I keep thinking about destructive behavior.  I see it a lot.  Honestly, it disturbs me.  It is so hard for me to understand why people make choices that are so obviously going to ruin their lives.  Why can't they see it?  It gets me clear down into my core because I continually watch people throw their lives away for meaningless reasons.  Why? Why? Why?  

People who are not Mormons see us as restricted and that we have too many rules to follow.  Why?  Because we are told not to drink alcohol or coffee; don't smoke; don't take illegal drugs; go to church every Sunday; keep the Sabbath day holy; don't have sexual relations with people outside of marriage; don't look at pornography; don't watch rated R movies; care for the sick, afflicted, and the widows; fast once a month and don't eat or drink anything for two consecutive meals and then donate the money you saved on that food to care for the less fortunate; obey the laws of the land; be involved and give regular, meaningful service to your community; etc. etc. etc.?    

I don't feel restricted.  In fact, I feel just the opposite.  I feel protected.  I have never had to worry about sexually transmitted disease, becoming an alcoholic, or having thoughts caused by pornography that would want me to leave my husband for someone else.  I feel loved by the people I've served and know that I will always have people I can call for help if I need them because of the bonds that were built and strengthened as a result of that service.  I've never missed those meals that I've given up or the money I donated to help those who were less fortunate than me, but I have felt the joy that comes with knowing I made a difference in someone's life who really needed it.  I've never regretted being honest or telling the truth.  I've never had to try to cover my tracks to cover up a lie that I've told.  I'm healthy because I've been taught to respect my body.  

It is a lie for people to believe that rules aren't necessary.  Boundaries are what we need to keep us safe.  They protect us from those things that can harm us.  And just like any other religion, we are a church made up of many individuals - over 14 million to be exact for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Because we are an organization made up of individuals, as all organizations are, we all live our religion to differing degrees.  Some follow the doctrines of the church to the letter of the law, while others are baptized, go to church once or twice and then never step foot back inside the walls of our churches again.  It all boils down to free agency - that ability we all have to choose our moral path for ourselves.  I can't choose yours and you can't choose mine.  I can't give you eternal salvation any more than any of you can give it to me.  I can't save my husband and he can't save me.  Jesus Christ atoned for our sins to make our spiritual salvation available to us, but we have to do our own work to earn it.  

I guess I'm just tired of hearing from people that it's someone else's fault that their lives are falling apart.  Sometimes it is, but those aren't the people I'm referring to.  I'm talking about the ones who knowingly and willfully make choices that are destructive to themselves and to their friends and family members.  I'm tired of people throwing their marriages away because they are selfish and standing by as the kids pay the price for it.  I'm tired of seeing kids who are neglected at home because they have parents who care more about themselves than the well-being of their children.  I'm tired of seeing people spend all of their money at the bar and then not having money to buy their kids warm clothes or shoes that fit.  I'm tired of seeing unethical men and women in business who cheat their customers so that they can drive a nicer car or have a bigger house.  I'm tired of people who use politics to further their own agendas, even if it means ruining lives.  It goes on and on.

I just want to shake them and tell them to "stop it!"  "Quit throwing your life away because you are too selfish to stop doing things to yourself and others that are destructive!  Be accountable and take responsibility for your choices and your actions!  Make amends.  Say you're sorry.  Have some respect for yourself and for others!  You can't live lives that are destructive or dishonest and think it won't catch up to you because it will!"  

Honestly, it isn't as hard as people think it is.  It all boils down to one thing.  Change comes when we want to give up who we are to become someone better.  If we can't give up a bad habit or change something about ourselves it's because we haven't found out that there is something we want MORE that is BETTER.  But if that is going to happen the blinders are going to have to come off and we are going to have to stop living in denial.  Period.  

I guess I'm just tired of excuses.  I'm fed up.  

Harvard Hosts Mormon Apostle as Speaker

This is an address given by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints at Harvard Law School for their annual Mormonism 101 series on March 20, 2012.  He gives an excellent explanation as to what we as Mormons believe.  I am posting this for anyone who has ever wondered what it is at the root of what we believe.

You can find this news article HERE.



You can also listen to his Question & Answer portion directly following this address HERE.

I Need to Know

I need to know.  I need to know.  I need to know.

When I need to know something, I can't stop until I know it.  My newest thing is to know more about the Dark Ages.  The world recognizes the Dark Ages as a time of intellectual darkness, but I also believe that it was even more so a time of spiritual darkness.  So today I spent every spare moment I had - searching, researching, reading.  I looked up Martin Luther on Amazon.com and read a few excerpts on him there and then found a PBS special on him on Netflix.  I went to the library and checked out "The Age of Reason Begins", by Will and Ariel Durant.  So far I've read about Queen Elizabeth (1558-1648) and a few paragraphs about William Shakespeare (1564-1616).

William Shakespeare may have been a master of the pen, but he was a lousy weasel of a husband.  I haven't gotten very far on him yet, but did you know that he got a girl pregnant, married her out of pressure by her friends, had a set of twins with her less than two years later, and then abandoned them?  He did!  That no-good coward left his wife with a toddler and twin babies while he ran off to London to be an actor.  There is no record of him for SEVEN years after that!  I would like to reach through time and punch him in the nose!  Jerk!

On the other hand, I find Martin Luther to be quite fascinating.  I feel sorry for him actually.  His life in his younger years was sad and he suffered terribly, both in body and spirit.  I can see the role he played in this grand Plan our Heavenly Father has though.  He had a purpose and I'm assuming he must have fulfilled it.  He paved the way for the Restoration of Jesus Christ's church to return to the earth in it's fullness.  I can see that clearly.  It was also no coincidence that Luther lived right at the time the first printing press was invented by Johannes Gutenberg.  Gutenberg printed Luther's writings in a way that made it possible to distribute the written word to more people than ever before.  Luther went on to translate the Bible into German in his later years.  I'm still learning more about him or I would tell you more...

The desire to learn is strong inside me.  I wish I could have a photographic memory that would let me remember all of the information I study so that I wouldn't have to go back and study things over and over again to help me remember.  There is so much to learn and not enough time in my life or brain cells in my head to help me absorb it all.  It makes me excited for the next life because I know that we will be able to know all things without the barrier of our finite mortality.  I have a feeling I will be like a kid in a candy store when I have the ability to know and understand all that there is to know.  So until then, I'll soak up as much as I can and hopefully I'll be able to remember at least a portion of it when I want it to be there.

And now... I'm too tired to write anymore about it so I'm off to bed to dream about Martin Luther and Queen Elizabeth.

Hurt

I feel deeply.

Sometimes it hurts more than I can stand.

I mourn with those who mourn

and cry with those who cry.

I feel the weight of my sins like the heavy burdens that they are.

I am tough when I need to be,

but I am weak also.

I hurt when I hurt others.

So much so that I would do anything to take it back.

But when it's done it can never be taken back.

Only mended.

And hope the damage won't last forever.

Today I will embrace the Atonement a little tighter.

And use my free gift and ask for forgiveness.

I am grateful for this gift.

And grateful for the loving arms of my Savior.

For His comfort is the only comfort that will heal my heart,

ease my sorrow,
and relieve my suffering.

A Mind is A Beautiful Thing to Waste

Free 8x10 Printable found HERE.
If you would like this printable in a .png format,
please email me HERE and I would be happy to email it to you.

I am a member of Generation X (people born between 1965 and 1980).  We are the children of the Baby Boomers; growing up in a time of MTV, Big Hair Bands, The Cold War, gas shortages, job shortages, and the beginning of both parents working outside the home.  "Latch-Key Kids" was the term coined to our generation because so many children were going home after school to empty homes.  We were born during the Women's Liberation Movement and a time of rampant and liberal ideas concerning sex and drugs.  The morals of society were thought of as binding and unnecessary.

They say the sins of the parents will be visited upon the heads of the children.  Now that I am a mother of my own children and have been a mother for 18 years now I can see how the choices of the generation before mine have affected my generation.  I can also see how the choices of my generation are going to affect our children.  I am in this strange place where I can see the past, the present, and the future all wrapped up together in one messy little package.

MTV (Music Television) was all the rage when I was a teenager.  Music videos were new and everyone was watching them.  Saturday Night Live was also new and it was the show to watch with your friends on Saturday night.  Thankfully, my parents didn't allow me to watch either and I was protected from the filth radiating from both of those.

My daughter came home from school last week and was singing some of the songs from her upcoming choir concert for me.  They are singing many of my generation's songs... "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood and some others.  We thought it would be fun to find some of those old 1980's music videos that went along with the songs she was singing so she could here the "originals".  "Higher Love" wasn't bad.  My kids were laughing at the big hair, rolled up pant-legs, blue eye shadow, and their funny way of dancing.  We were having a fun time looking at what was popular for mom and dad when we were teenagers.  It was clean for the most part so I looked up a few other songs.  My husband was really into the Big Hair Bands (AC/DC, Def Leopard, Scorpions, Whitesnake, etc.), but realized soon after we were married that they weren't the best choices in music and threw those CD's out.  We looked up a song so we could show them what a Big Hair Band looked like and I started the video.  My son sat down beside me to watch.  I was trying to screen them so that we would only watch the clean videos, but I was too late as my son sat down.  The video loaded and I immediately had to close the lid on my laptop and tell him to look away so I could close the video.  I was nervous about that very thing because I remembered that I wasn't allowed to watch 1980's music videos for a reason when I was his age.  I honestly haven't seen very many music videos.  I still do not watch them for that very reason, but I thought that maybe the 1980's videos weren't as bad as I remembered.  I was wrong.  Just because they are 30 years old doesn't make them any less dirty.  That was the end of our trip down memory lane.  That one brief moment of that video ruined the moment and took the fun out of it.

There is so much out there now in the media industry to entertain us.  We can always find something to watch to entertain our minds rather than being industrious and, say - go outside and play ball with our kids or something.  We are a lazy generation and spend far too much time in front of our computers, I-Pods, and television sets.  It's sad really.  And I'm just as guilty as anyone else.  I realize that this sin will be visited upon the heads of our children just as being unsupervised children in the 1970's, 1980's, and 1990's has gotten us to this point where we are now.  Most of the smut and filth we see all over the internet, on movie screens, and on television shows is a direct result of my generation watching channels like MTV and watching comedy skits like Saturday Night Live because there were no parents at home to tell them to turn it off.  My generation is a generation full of polluted minds.  Many of the ones who were addicted to those kinds of entertainment then are the ones making our entertainment now.  Somewhere along the line, too many of the people I grew up with thought that dirty jokes were the only ones that were funny.  Those are the people writing comedy skits today.  I don't watch comedy anymore.  It isn't funny.  It's raunchy.

I go to extra lengths to protect my mind as well as the minds of my children.  We do not have cable or satellite television in our home anymore.  I could regulate the shows my kids were watching, but I could not regulate the commercials.  We do not watch rated 'R' movies.  Ever.  We do not allow our children to watch  'PG-13' movies unless we have previewed them first.  My husband and I are very selective in even the 'PG-13' movies.  We watch Netflix in our home, but I watch my account like a hawk to see what they are watching.  I can track it online.  We also have a rule that they can ONLY watch the shows that mom has put into the Instant Queue.  We keep our computer in the living room so that we can see what they are doing on the internet. We try to be responsible parents and teach them how to stay away from pornography and other forms of filth out there in the media.  We talk about pornography a lot and cover all the bases of what it is and why it is so dangerous and how to avoid it.  It can creep in with even the most seemingly innocent ways.  I have recently given up browsing Pinterest.  I still have my account because I like that I can pin websites into one place to keep track of them, but I don't browse through pins anymore.  There is so much foul language and pins where people have little or no clothes on... all in the name of "art" or "fitness".  I can't take it.  It is offensive to my spirit and makes me uncomfortable.  I've been known to get up and walk out of movie theaters before.  I've come to understand that if viewing or listening to something makes me feel uncomfortable I would be better served to turn it off or walk away.   

My children understand also because we have helped them to distinguish the difference in how they feel based on what they are watching or listening to.  Right now my 13 year-old son's favorite TV show is the black and white 1959 version of "Dennis the Menace".  He thinks it's hilarious and we all like to sit down together and watch an episode or two with him.  It is funny!  And HE chose that show, not me or his dad.  We've taught him how to look for those kinds of entertainment that are better.  My kids know the difference and are pretty good about making good entertainment choices.  Occasionally something will slip past before we know it, but it is understood that if something is questionable in what we are watching or listening to there is no second thought.  It just automatically gets turned off.  Period.  It has become second nature to my kids to regulate themselves this way.  

“Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God” (D&C 121:45).

We are only as good a people as our minds and they need and should be protected from the smut and filth that surrounds us.  It damages us and when we are damaged we then damage those around us.  It is a vicious cycle.  We have a responsibility as parents to protect the innocence of our children's minds.  They are not mature enough to know for themselves what is good or bad for them.  I've always felt like protecting the innocence of a child is one of the greatest gifts we can give to them.  All children deserve to be protected from the evils of this world.  It is our duty to give them that.

If we have a desire to be good people we should begin by having good thoughts.  We have good thoughts by reading high quality books and magazines, listening to uplifting music with positive lyrics, by having art in our homes and workplaces that invite good feelings and make us feel good when we look at them.  By surrounding ourselves with those things that are wholesome and good, we can't help but have good thoughts.  When we have good thoughts we will be happier and have more joy in our lives.  We will have less fear and less negative self talk.  Our ability to overcome addictions will be greater.  We will just be better.  We've all heard this saying: A mind is a beautiful thing to waste.  I agree.  Today, I would challenge all who read these words to feed your minds with good things so that you can have good thoughts.  Don't waste your minds and fill them full of other people's garbage.  You'll never be sorry for making the decision  to have a clean mind.  

Cherish The Moments

The house was empty except for myself and my sixteen year old son.  He asked if I would give him a haircut.  Usually I moan and groan because it means a mess, but not this day.  I agreed willingly so he hopped in the shower to wash his hair and ten minutes later I was off to work, clipping, trimming, and combing.  He likes it short so I cut it a little shorter than usual so that it would be a little longer before the next go around.  

He is as most teenage boys are... not quick to share more than they have to with their mother, but this night was different.  He was in a good mood, especially since the house was quiet and mom readily agreed without moaning and groaning.  The chatter began before the first snip and the conversation flowed readily and easily as he expressed his desires for his life.  We spoke of school, college, girls, his mission (LDS boys generally go on church missions from the time they are nineteen until twenty-one years old), and his goals - both short-term and long-term.  

I soaked it all in.  It won't be long before he will spread his wings and fly away from me.  This boy has a tender place in this mother's heart.  He is growing into a fine young man and has a desire to do all that is right and good.  He has a kind and and gentle soul.  As with all of my children, I can't help but worry and pray for him to have a good life, full of joy and happiness.

His goals are set high.  I am proud of him for that, but he is a worrier like his mother.  He works so hard that he doesn't always know how to have fun.  I want him to be a hard worker, but not at the expense of experiencing fun.  I used this time that I had him all to myself to counsel him.  His mind and heart were open so I took the advantage.  I counseled him to enjoy life.  "Don't spend your whole life wishing for a certain time to be done and over, mistakenly thinking the next phase will be less stressful and hard.  Life will always have challenges.  Always.  That's what this life is all about.  Instead, LIVE your life in spite of your challenges and struggles.  Learn to let go of the things you have no control over and can't change.  Look for the good in life.  Be happy.  Turn your burdens over to Heavenly Father.  Play once in a while.  It's okay to play.  It's GOOD to play as long as you have done the work that needs to be done as well.  Life is about balance.  And that means work AND play, not one or the other.  We need both.  So be happy and look for all that is good.  Everything else will work itself out."

These times that I have my children alone, one at a time, all to myself are priceless.  They are what make my journey as a mother sweet.  I will miss this time when it is passed.  I won't always have their attention and they won't always seek or want my advice.  My time is growing shorter and shorter with them like this so until it is over I will cherish these moments.

I was Born a Mormon, but I Am a Convert.

I am a Mormon woman.  I have roots in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) back to the beginning on my father's side.  I am a third generation member on my mother's side.  I was born and raised actively in the church.  It is my culture and my history.  It is that nurture part of my "self".  I am an individual within a 14-million member collective.  It influences the way I think, the way I dress, the way I eat, the way I talk.  I am who I am because of the doctrines I've been taught.   But that doesn't make me a zombie or a blind follower.  

To the rest of the world outside the Mormon religion I am strange... peculiar... odd.  I don't mind that opinion.  That is all it is after all... an opinion.  Opinions are not facts, just points of view.  Nothing more, nothing less.  

Just because I was born into the church doesn't mean I automatically knew it was true or that everything I was told was correct.  I have had to learn that for myself.  Even people who are born into other religions, no matter what religion or lack of religion that may be, still have to be converted to the information they've been given.  Even Agnostics and Atheists have been converted to the information they've been taught.

As a member of the LDS church I hear the word "convert" a lot.  We talk about converts on a regular basis.  Converts are generally referred to as people who join the church on their own and are baptized after the age of eight years old (the youngest age children are baptized into the LDS church - commonly referred to as "the age of accountability").  We are a missionary minded people, inviting as many who will hear to come and be included.  We have open doors and welcoming hearts.

I'm Just an Amateur

Over and over, I continue to ask myself why I write on the internet.  Why do I keep blogging?  I go through phases where spill my guts and don't care who knows it.  Other times I'm in the phase where I feel over-exposed and want to throw in the towel and say that it doesn't matter anyway.  But I have found my voice in this blog world.  I have discovered more about myself and found that I love writing.  There is something very therapeutic about writing down the thoughts of one's mind.

I'm not very artistic.  I'm not good at decorating.  I'm not into fashion.  I'm not a great cook.  But I love to learn and I love to share what I have learned.  I found that I love to teach and that I love writing.  Those two go hand in hand like soulmates.

I find that I want to express myself in broader and broader ways that I never considered before.  Honestly, I never thought of writing as a big deal, but that is changing.  I find that I NEED to write.  I wish I could attach a digital recorder to my mind so that I could just think it and it would be written for me.  I am never able to type fast enough to get it all down and sometimes lose the thoughts I want to record the most.  It can be a little frustrating.  I wish I could remember my dreams.  They are grand films.  I just can't seem to remember them after I'm fully conscious.

When I chose The Amateur Writer as the title for this blog I meant it in the simplest term "amateur" possible.  I'm as amateur as they get.  Sometimes I see that people search for "amateur writing" or "how to be an amateur writer" on internet searches and that leads them to this blog and then I feel bad.  I'm not an expert in writing.  I don't know how to get published or how to write a book.  I just write... because I love it.  That's all.  I hope this blog will give me the practice and confidence to write a book someday, but I will get there when I get there.  If you found my blog hoping for advice and tips on how to become a writer, I am sorry.  I cannot help you there.  But if you love to write, start a blog and write what you feel, what you think, what you love.  That's what I do.  It's a good place to start.

Kicking Against the Pricks

I'm not very happy lately.  I feel a bit like Saul (Paul) in the New Testament where he is being chastised by the Lord in Acts 26:14:

14.  And when we were all fallen to the earth, I heard a voice speaking unto me, and saying in the Hebrew tongue, Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

and then in Doctrine & Covenants 121:38:

38. Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God.

I went to bed upset and angry last night.  I've been kicking against the pricks for a couple of weeks now.  I have been fighting against God... not in any major sort of way, but fighting nonetheless.  It doesn't make me feel very good.  In fact, it makes me feel miserable.  And then I think of this scripture:

2 Nephi 2: 27 (in the Book of Mormon):

27. Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man.  And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

I've been fighting battles that I shouldn't be fighting.  I've felt discouraged and alone.  It's hard when you want to be right and you want the battle to go in your favor, but when it doesn't you have to ask yourself if it is a battle you should be fighting or is it that you are just kicking against the pricks.  Sometimes it can be a very fine line to figure out which side it is.  The fact that I feel miserable is a pretty good indication that I am in the wrong.

I guess that's what the scriptures are for and why they are so important that we study them on a regular basis.  I know the Lord caused my mind to go to these three scriptures this morning to tell me the message He has for me.  As soon as I turned to them and read them and even now as I write this post, I know what He was telling me.  I've been chastened and humbled.  I still have that human need to want to be right and to keep fighting this battle, but I'm going to have to give in and let the Lord be in control.  I still don't want to, but I can see that I NEED to.  For my own sake.  I need to let it go and not be angry because I won't be able to accomplish anything I need to in this state of mind that I am in.  It is not productive and it is most definitely not attractive.  I just need to have faith, trust in the Lord, and stop kicking against the pricks.

Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: My Experience

When I was a child I used to walk to and from school.  I would always say that saying that goes like this: "Don't step on a crack or you'll break your mother's back."  And then I would methodically make my way to school, making sure I didn't step on a single crack in the road.  I also did this on all sidewalks and even on tiles inside buildings.  I would count tiles on floors and ceilings.  If I lost count, I would start over and get very upset if someone interrupted me.  I bit my fingernails until they bled because I couldn't allow any white part of the nail to show or grow out.  I memorized phone numbers and birthdays.  I got to where I only had to dial a phone number one time and I could remember it from then on.  My sisters always called me "The Walking Phone Book", even into adulthood.  They would call me for a phone number rather than look it up in the phone book because that was faster.  I had to get straight A's.  If I got a 'B' I would cry for days and tell myself how stupid I was.  I HAD to be perfect.  No matter what.  It was all about control.

I suffered from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  My husband has really helped me to overcome many of those obsessive/compulsive tendencies.  I honestly don't know what I would have done without him.  He helped me to understand how to let go of those things.