Spiritual Apathy

I've had a quiet weekend.  It has been a much needed breather from the stress I've been under.  I'm so grateful for the reprieve before the next storm in just three days from now.  It reminds me how important it is to take time out for ourselves.  We need it.

It's not good to be so busy that we can't ponder and reflect on the important things in our lives.  I have been unable to concentrate due to the workload and the stress and it has been extremely hard on me.  I feel like a piece of me has been neglected to the point of spiritual damage.  

The emotional roller coaster from the past month has taken its toll and I've greatly missed the feeling I have when I am spiritually strong.  It makes me wonder why so many people choose to cut themselves off from things spiritual.  I feel disconnected, lonely, and even a little angry at times.  I feel lost.  

My daughter graduated from high school a few days ago.  Her Baccalaureate ceremony was the Sunday before graduation.  I had no idea how religiously apathetic my community has become.  It made me sad.  Only about a third of her graduating class even showed up.  I could hear a man a few rows behind me partway through the talk by the Pastor.  "He's been talking twenty minutes!  How long is this going to go?"  The man then proceeded to talk to his girlfriend the entire rest of the program.

My first thought was, "Really?  Why are you being so rude?"  But this is coming from a woman who goes to church for three hours every Sunday.  Twenty minutes to me is just warming up.  We don't have Pastors in the Mormon church and this man doesn't believe exactly the same as I, but he gave an excellent speech and I was grateful to have been there to listen to what he had to say.  He gave some excellent words of wisdom for the kids graduating and I was glad my daughter could be there to hear it.  

It's been a little over a week and I can't stop thinking about why the Baccalaureate was so poorly attended.  When I graduated from high school the Baccalaureate was a big deal and the auditorium was always full.  Now they are considering not having it at all in the future.  Some of the neighboring communities have already stopped having it.

So it makes me wonder:  Why are people turning their backs on God?  Why are people turning their backs on Jesus Christ?  Have we really become that cynical?  Have we really become so ungrateful and apathetic as a society that we no longer feel the need to recognize deity?  I just don't understand it.  Even with the amount of stress I've been under and the feeling of spiritual disconnect I've felt due to the chaos in my life, I would never consider not going to church or praying and reading my scriptures daily.  I can't function without that stabilizing power in my life.  

I continue to see the levels of faith drop and the levels of fear rise.  Crime goes up.  Abuse gets worse.  Children get neglected.  The chaos swirls around us and we lose our civility.  I know that I can't fix the problems of the world.  I wish I could.  I know we are here to choose whom we will serve.  I know it is an individual choice and I can only choose for myself, but I won't stop trying.  I am a lover of peace so I will never stop trying.  I just wish more people wanted peace as much as I do.

A Break

My life is insanely busy so I am regretfully going to take a blog break for the time being.  I will be back soon!  Thanks!

Symbolism of Night

The night is darkest just before the dawn.

I've heard this many times in my life.  It's not actually true though.  Reason tells us as much.  It is actually the darkest part of the night halfway between sunset and sunrise as the sun is at its furthest point on the other side of the earth.  On the other hand, the hour just before dawn is the coldest part of the day.  

Because I believe in God, I believe there is spiritual symbolism in every aspect of our lives.  If we look for these symbolic meanings, we place ourselves in a position to be taught many great and important truths that will guide us and lead us closer to our Creator.   

I have close family members and friends who have chosen very difficult roads.  Some have been filled with alcoholism, drug addiction, pornography addiction, adultery, different forms of abuse: verbal, physical, emotional, sexual.  Not one of us goes through this life unscathed by these or other serious sinful and destructive behaviors.  There may be some of us who choose not to go down these paths, but we will love someone who will.  It can be so devastating.  

As I think back on the ones I love who have been down these roads I find the significance of the previous information.  I've also heard the saying: You have to hit bottom before you can climb back out.  That is true.  That suggests a halfway point, just like the darkest part of the night.  As soon as we take that first step down a path of sinful behavior we've stepped into the darkness of night.  We cut ourselves off from God.  God never leaves us.  We leave him.  It is our choice.  Not His.  

Somehow the night just gets darker and darker, slowly, one moment at a time.  Before we know it, the sun has long set and we are in a dark, dark place.  It can be frightening and lonely.  We realize we are lost and those who encouraged us to take that step into the darkness have abandoned us.  We are alone.  That is when the night is the darkest.  It is when we finally realize we are in a place we don't want to be and we want to change. And just then, when we call out for help, realizing we can't do it by ourselves, time begins to move forward again and we progress into the second part of the night towards dawn.  

The journey towards dawn is difficult.  It gets colder as the night goes by.  The path of repentance is not easy, but it is worth it.  Lucifer, that evil serpent, the one who walked with us side by side the first half of the night is now against us.  He places hurdles in our way and makes us believe that everyone is against us.  He gives it his all and uses all his might.  He confuses us and uses our fear to hold us back.  We can't give up here.  The dawn is near at this point.  This is when it is the coldest.  Don't give up.  Don't lay down in the cold and freeze before the journey is through.  That is what that slimy serpent wants.  

There is something he wants us to forget:

The first step in sin is a step into the night.  The first step in repentance is a step towards the light.  As soon as we step towards the light he loses his ability to control or manipulate us.  We gain the ability to fight him and to win the battles against him.  He only has the power to bruise our heal, but we have the power to crush his head.  We have mortal bodies.  That is something he does not, nor will ever, have.  

As soon as we begin to have faith again, the dawn comes nearer.  When our faith is strong; when our path of repentance is complete, the dawn will come.  We can't let anything block our path of repentance.  It is so worth it to keep going.  We should never give up.  We just need to look to the dawn, for that is where true joy and happiness are.  Plus... the light of day is so much nicer than the dark of the night.  

Freedom Lost

Freedom is a gift.

I take it for granted until I no longer have it.  It comes and goes in many forms, but I don't always recognize the form or shape until it becomes something else.  I am a fool.

I've become wild as a beast, caged and restless.  I long for quieter days, but they are far away, so far beyond my grasp I barely see them.  I reach for them, but they evade me.

The cage that binds me tries my soul.  I lash out in my weakness, hurting whomever comes near.  I am ashamed at my behavior.  The hypocrite in me shines brightly for the whole world to see.  I hate that person.

Make a Difference

When you think about the people who have touched you and made your life better what do think of? 

I would bet it is for a positive reason.  Nobody ever says someone made their life better by being unkind to them.  I try to remember this in my dealings with others.  I'm not always kind and I have conflicts with others just like everyone else, but I try to be conscious and aware of the thoughts and feelings I have towards others.  It can be especially difficult when that someone is being unkind or nasty towards you, when they are purposefully undermining your efforts, or abusive in any way.  Oh, it can be so difficult to turn the other cheek!  It can be done though.

I have finally reached a point in my life where I can disassociate myself from those kinds of people and hurtful attacks towards me personally.  Believe me, it isn't easy, but doing so makes my life so much better.  I have found a little trick that always helps me to overcome these incidents before I reach the critical mass point with my anger.  This is what I do:

I think about the people in my life who have built me up.  That's right.  I remember, one by one, each person who has touched my life for good.  When I think of these times it isn't life-altering events that come to mind.  It's the youth leader who listened to me at youth camp when I was thirteen and felt left out, who put her arm around me and told me I was special and who always said hello to me whenever she saw me.   (Her name was Carol.)  It was a note of appreciation from an acquaintance.  It was the phone call to ask me how I've been because that person was worried about me.  It was the vote of confidence from someone who said, "You can do it!  I believe in you!"  Each and every kindness offered to me as gifts, over time, amassing into one large treasure.  And every time I find myself in a situation where my ability or character are attacked I open up the vault and ponder on the treasure that is there.  Then I remember some wise advice given by a grand lady:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  Eleanor Roosevelt

I don't always win the battle, but I am winning the war.  I try not to give anyone permission to make me feel inferior.  It isn't always easy, but it can be done.  It takes practice, positive self motivation, determination, courage, faith, and loving one's self.  It can be done.  It is the ability to not become offended.

And every time I find myself waning, I remember those people who have made a difference in my life.  I tell myself that I will be like them and not like the person who is attacking me.  I will not give my consent.  I will treat others the way I want to be treated.  I will take my turn and be that person who will make a difference for someone else.  And then something miraculous always seems to take place.  As I think about others and immerse myself in the service of others I always seem to forget about those nasty people who are out to make my life miserable.  I end up not caring what they think or even what they've done.  It just isn't important anymore.  

I remind myself that the people who have touched my life for good, the one's who have made a real difference in my life were the people who were kind.  It's as simple as that.  Kindness.  One little word, put into practice, can make a difference.  I'm going to try harder to be kinder.