Teaching Kids the Value of Work

Yesterday I came home from work and found a nice surprise for any parent.  I walked in the front door to be greeted by a clean house.  The entryway had been swept and the mountain of shoes by the door put back in their respective closets.  The living room was neat as a pin and the carpet vacuumed.  The dishes were done and the groceries from the night before were put away.  

My daughter had been at work all day so I knew she hadn't done any of it.  It was all the work of my two sons, ages 13 and 16, along with a visiting nephew, age 14.  They even scrubbed the bathroom.  Bathtub, toilet, washed the mirror... the whole job.  They cleaned as well as if I had done it myself.  And the kicker?   They did it all without being asked and asked for nothing in return.  That was a good, happy moment for this mama.  And that was on top of their regular, daily chores of feeding the horses, the 4-H steers, the dogs, and the cats.  The boys are also in charge of the yard and it is their job to mow and weed-eat once a week.  

I'm sure there are many parents of teenagers out there who would wonder how in the world I can get 3 teenage boys to clean a house without being asked.  I can promise you it didn't happen overnight and teaching kids how to work isn't the easiest thing to do for any parent, but it can be done.  

The secret is that you have to teach them how to work when they are small.  In our home, we work together as a family.  It isn't mom cleaning up after everyone or dad doing all of the yard work.  As soon as our kids could walk we started teaching them to clean up after themselves.  "Can you put your cup in the sink, please?"  "Will you throw your popsicle wrapper in the trash, please?"  "Will you fold your clothes and put them away, please?"  And then, "Thanks for doing that!  You did a great job and it really helped me out!"

My 13-year old was very proud of the job he did scrubbing the bathtub.  So I made sure to go in and see the job he did and then to praise him for a job well done.  He was beaming and felt good about himself.  He loved that I was happy and recognized his hard work.  And then I gave all three boys a bag of Hostess donuts I had just brought home from the grocery store and told them they could share them as a treat for doing such a nice job on the house.  They were happy as could be and so was I.

My boys both know how to change the oil in a car and a 4-wheeler.  They both know how to operate a backhoe.  They know how to clean a toilet and make a grilled cheese sandwich.  My daughter knows how to change a tire, check her oil and tire air-pressure.  My kids all know how to wash and iron clothes.  They know how to fix a fence and saddle a horse.  They know how to dig a hole with a shovel and how to plant a garden.  My kids know how to do these things because my husband and I have taught them, along with grandparents, youth leaders, and extended family.  We work together as a family and then, when the work is done, we play together as a family.  That is another secret.

It takes consistency and follow-through on behalf of the parent.  It can be hard when your child is throwing a tantrum and whining about how, "It isn't fair!"  "Why should I have to do that?  I didn't make that mess!"  It can be pure torture for the parent!  But, trust me, hold your ground and don't give up.  Don't give in.  As much as your child whines or complains, it is for their benefit to learn how to work and do a good job.  When they learn how to work, it builds their self-esteem and teaches them how good it feels when they've accomplished something.  It is the beginning of their path to independent adulthood.  And isn't that what every loving parent wants for their child?  To grow up to be independent, secure adults?  

Take the time to sit down with your kids on a regular basis.  It's never too soon or too late to start.  Have family councils as to whom is expected to do what job and when.  Talk about your home as if it is a small community and everyone needs to take part.  We always say, "We all live here together.  We all make messes.  We all eat the food and live here.  So we all get to work together to clean it up."  We also expect them to pick up after themselves.  "If you got it out, you put it back."  "If it belongs to you, you take care of it."  "Be considerate of every member of our family and take care of you and your things and be respectful of other people's things."

As with all kids, our kids would rebel from time to time and flat out tell us "No!"  Or they just wouldn't do what had been asked of them.  In those times, consequences were then enforced.  "Okay.  That is fine.  You can choose to say no and not do what you've been asked to do, but by saying no, you are also saying no to (whatever privilege they lose).  It is your choice.  That also means that if we go to a movie as a family this weekend, you will stay home, because you didn't earn it along with the ones who did work."  We have taught our kids that privileges aren't free.  If they would like to do fun things or go fun places, they need to earn it by helping out around the house.  They also learn respect because talking back to mom and dad also results in the loss of privileges.  They learn really quickly that life isn't very fun when you don't have any privileges.  But it will only work if the parent(s) are consistent and follow through with the consequence.  If you give in and let them have the privilege anyway, you've just taught them that if they throw a big enough tantrum, they can get what they want.  All that is going to do when they are adults at their place of employment is get them fired.  So. Don't. Give. In.  Hold your ground.  You are the parent after all.

As a parent, teaching a child how to work and how to do a good job as well as being observant and willing to do a job without the expectation of something in return is a true gift.  When you teach a child a skill, you give them security.  You give them an identity.  You let them know they are needed.  And when we feel needed, we feel wanted.  It is human nature to be wanted.  They learn to have courage to try new things and it builds their self-confidence.  When you teach a child to work, you teach a child that they are loved.  They learn that they are special.  So, when you think about it that way, the value placed upon teaching our children how to work is priceless, don't you think?

Let Us Be Kind - 8x10 Printable

Time Moves Forward

Life is in continuous motion.  Time never slows or stops.  Nothing brings this truth into reality more than change.  It has been a week of change, circling around me.  Last Saturday - a wedding and a baptism.  Tuesday - a birth and a death.  Wednesday - another birth.  Thursday - a birthday.  Tomorrow (Saturday) - a funeral.

One of my dearest friends married a kind and generous man.  The kind of man she has waited over twenty years for.  I am so happy for her.  Another dear friend's daughter was baptized the same day.

We awoke to the beautiful sight of new life and a brand new baby mule, as white and pure as the innocence of new birth can be.  Later that day, my sweet grandmother passed away after 89 years of life and 23 1/2 years of separation from my grandfather.  My joy at their reunion is greater than the sadness I feel for my own loss.

The very next day my niece gave birth to a sweet new baby girl.  Her tiny perfect body remind me of where I came from and how precious each and every life truly is.

A day after that, which day was yesterday, was my own husband's birthday.  I didn't even get to see his face until almost 9:00 pm to even wish him a happy birthday.  He is a hard-working guy and spent the day working on the ranch and the evening befriending his new baby mule.

Tomorrow is my grandmother's funeral.  I have siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews coming from far and wide to pay tribute to her.  I have no doubt she will be in the midst of us.  I'm betting my granddad will be there too.  It will be a family reunion that will not be overshadowed by grief and sadness, but one of joy and hope.  She has longed for the day to be reunited with her sweetheart and her ache has been deep and painful for her to bear.  I am happy for her.  I will miss her, but I know that I will see her again.

With so many life changing events this past week, I am introspective.  I am grateful for the life I have been given.  I am grateful for the people in my life who bless me and strengthen me.  I have been blessed with a good life and there is much joy to be found in it.  I am home.  My heart is full and I am grateful.

Our New Baby!

We got a new baby last night!

A beautiful white female mule.

My husband is pretty excited!

Everyone loves a new baby!

Our dog, Nash, was quite curious.

But mama was a little leery...she ran him off after a few seconds. 

Respect for Women

I was two and a half months shy of my twentieth birthday when I found myself delivering my first child.  My husband was a young twenty-three.  We had been married a short fourteen months.  We were young, naive, and inexperienced, but we loved each other and were excited for our new baby to arrive.

It was a short labor, but there was a minor complication that resulted in a painful twenty-two stitches to recover from.  I had no epidural; only a local anaesthetic that made me feel groggy and disoriented.  My baby was finally born and given to me to hold for a few brief seconds before being whisked away to be examined to make sure she was safe.  Almost right away I began to feel cold and my body began to shake uncontrollably.  The nurse came in and wrapped me in a warm blanket.  I didn't understand.  When I asked the nurse why I was shaking, she explained to me that my body was in shock and that it was normal.  I didn't fully grasp the reality of what that meant then.

I've been told that a woman comes near death in the process of bringing a new life into the world.  We sacrifice part of ourselves in order to create that life.  For most of us, it is a sacrifice we are more than willing to make.  Bringing a new life into the world is one of the noblest of sacrifices and one of the most sacred of  gifts we can give as a woman.  We come nearer to God than any other moment in our lives at the very moment we give birth.  In that moment we are one with Him.

As women, we have been entrusted by God to bring these lives into the world, to love them, care for them, nurture them.  We must surely have angels on our right and on our left to attend us in our sacred responsibility.  Our Heavenly Father has a kind heart towards women and the responsibility we face in caring for his children on this earth.  He loves and respects our Heavenly Mother.  We know this because we are not allowed to even know her name.  He would not allow her to be defiled and degraded the way that He is.  He protects her.  This is how it should be.

Since I have this knowledge and understand my divine roll as a woman, I often wonder how it can be that so many men have so little respect for their counterparts.  To elevate themselves to the point where they feel they are superior or authoritative is an insult to the very mother who gave them life.  It is demoralizing and wrong.  

Men are not better than women and women are not better than men.  We should be equal partners, exercising our genetic differences to work together for the betterment of each other, our families, and our communities.  Embracing our unique inherent gender abilities in a team effort will almost always result in success.  There should be common respect and appreciation, both women for men, and men for women.  At any time where one does not value the contributions of the other, unequal ground is established and discord will invariably emerge.  The relationship will break down and eventually all communication comes to a halt if not corrected soon enough.  When communication stops, relationships end. 

I have encountered men who make me feel inferior because I am a woman.  Not only does it hurt my feelings, causing me to doubt myself and my abilities, it makes me not trust men.  As a woman, I have been born with tender feelings.  Those tender feelings are what make us feminine and help us to raise compassionate and loving children into good, honest adults.  It is what attracts men to us, but there are some men who stomp all over our tender feelings and make us feel small because of them.  It. is. wrong.  It is ALWAYS wrong.

Thankfully, my husband is not one of those men.  We will be married for twenty years in a few months.  Not even once has he made me feel that I am less than he is.  He is kind and caring and has taught our children to love and respect me as their mother.   He is my defender, my confidant, my support, my best friend.  He has taught our daughter to never allow others to treat her badly, especially boys or men.  He has taught our sons to respect and honor women and to be kind and gentle towards them.  He has been able to teach them this because his father taught him.   He understands the divine roll of women.

But I understand that I am one of the lucky ones.  There are many women who have not been blessed to have a man like mine in their lives.  My heart breaks for them because it doesn't have to be.  Somehow we have to break the cycle of abuse.  I'm afraid it is too late for the older generation.  They are set in their ways and refuse to remove their blinders and see, but I have hope for the younger generations to come.  If we teach our children, they will teach their children and the cycle will break.  If we can teach our children to honor and respect women, girls will grow into good mothers and wives who understand their divine purpose.  Boys will grow into committed, loving, responsible husbands and fathers.  Families will be saved.  Society will prosper.  

Oh, if I could have just one wish, it would be that.

"That Place"

How many times have you changed over the course of your life?  I can bet it has been more than a few.  I am in the midst of changing again... evolving.  Life is all about change so we can either change with it or become stagnant and unproductive.  We can either be left behind and live in the past or we can move forward to meet the future and say hello.

As my life changes once again I find myself in "that place".  You know the one I'm talking about.  The one that makes us feel vulnerable and insecure.  It's "that place" in the midst of change where we wonder, "What in the world am I going to do now?"  

I'm not so sure I like "that place".  

I've spoken about having courage.  I'm needing a good dose of it right now.  "That place" seems to suck the courage right out of me and I grapple to try to hold onto it again.  It seems like I keep reaching for it, but it taunts me just outside my grasp.  Oh, I know.  Eventually I will grab it and all will be well again and life will become easier again.  It always does, but I am impatient and want it now!

I shouldn't be so quick to curse "that place" though.  I've come to understand that when I am in "that place" it means I am being humbled.  And humility is a desirable trait and I'm always glad to have it when it comes my way.  It makes me kinder, more compassionate, and more forgiving.  It brings me to my knees before my God more often and more sincerely.  

So why do I always dread coming to "that place" again?  

It goes against that mortal part of us.  That's why.  We want everything to be easy.  We want everything to be roses all the time without any of the thorns.  We want to be lazy.  We want to be rebellious.  So when our conscience steps in and lets us know that we need to make some changes we want to fight back like a teenager in bed who doesn't want to get up and go to school.  We want to stay in our warm cozy beds and not get out of our comfort zone.  But if we stay in our warm cozy little comfort zones all the time we will never grow.  We will never know who or what we can become!  

We all have greatness in us.  How can we not?  We are all children of God so that means we have a part of Him within us.  That alone makes us great, don't you think?  So that means we can become whatever great person we choose to become!  It just takes a little courage and a lot of effort and we will get there.

So as I find myself in "that place" again and I write this little pep talk for myself, I begin to feel it again.  You know... that courage I was talking about.  I can feel it beginning to course through my veins with each word that I write.  I can do this.  I can move forward.  I can be great.  I can be the person I want to be.  And you know what?  If I can do it... so can you.

Not Just For the Strength of the Youth

I was talking to a friend recently.  Her marriage has been shattered by infidelity.  She made the comment that, in her opinion, almost all divorces are the result of cell phones.  I had to disagree.  Saying that cell phones are the cause of divorce is like saying guns kill people.  Guns don't kill people.  People kill people by using guns.  Divorce caused by infidelity happens because people choose to be unfaithful and sometimes they use cell phones to carry that out.  Inanimate objects are tools.  Nothing more, nothing less.  To blame an inanimate object is to shift blame from the person who made the choice.  It lessens the accountability and creates an environment where the offender is not adequately held accountable for the harm their choices have caused others.

My friend is struggling to understand how her marriage came to this point.  It is sad and she is grieving.  Her children are suffering.  My heart breaks for them and I wish I could turn back the clock to a time before it all began so that her family could be saved.  After she expressed her anger toward cell phones and the part they played in the downfall of her marriage I commented that if everyone would just live the standards as outlined in "The For Strength of Youth" pamphlet, there would be far fewer divorces. (You can view an online .pdf version of this pamphlet HERE.  If anyone would like an actual pamphlet, I have several and would be happy to mail you one at no charge if you just email me HERE with your name and address.)  If you have ever wondered exactly what the standards are that we teach our children in the Mormon church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), now is your chance to find out.  This pamphlet is specifically written for youth ages 12 to 18, but it applies to people of all ages.

I have patterned my own life after the standards in this pamphlet since I was twelve years old.  I have never been compelled to live these standards, but I have been invited and encouraged to do so.  I have also encouraged my own children to live by these standards.  I have a testimony that the level of happiness in my life directly coincides with the level I live by these standards.  It is a guide for me to pattern my life after and I am very grateful for it because I have a good life.  I have a strong and happy marriage.  I have strong and happy children.  I am not burdened down by addiction or regret or remorse.  My life has direction and it is good.

So, once again, divorce or infidelity are not caused by the internet or cell phones or magazines.  It is caused by people who choose to use these tools in damaging ways.  If you have a problem with any object that comes between you and your spouse, I would encourage you to get rid of it.  Throw it away.  Stop using it.  Make your spouse more important than your addiction.  Seek professional help if you need to.  Don't ever let a cell phone, computer, television, magazine, or anything else be the tool you use to ruin your life.  It isn't worth it.  There is nothing more important than a happy family.  Nothing.