Introspection for Today

Feeling introspective today.  Evaluating my priorities.  Thinking about what's important and what's not.  Pondering on the problems of the world.  It feels so heavy.

I find solace in music.  Singing with the radio and losing myself in the melodies and harmonies.  Searching for songs that reflect my mood as well as those that will brighten my mind and heart.  I love music.

I wish I had the power to fix every problem that every person has.  The mother hen in me is taking over.  I feel a strong urge to gather all the little chicks I can find and protect them from the storm.  I want to fight all the battles and right all the wrongs.  

The thought that keeps going through my mind is that those who refuse to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.  If it were only as easy as saying the words.  It's so hard to see our own mistakes and shortcomings, but glaringly obvious to those that love us.  And yet, we continually reject the words of counsel offered to us.  I am so guilty.  It's so much easier to look on from the outside than to look out from within.  Being human can be so overwhelming, can't it?

Also on my mind is the inherent need we each have to be loved and accepted for who we are, flaws and all. 

Love is kindness.  Love is charity.  Love is respect.  Love is discipline.  Love is compassion.  Love is not condoning of poor behavior.  Love is uplifting.  Love is righteous correction by gentle persuasion.  Love allows us each to learn from our mistakes.  Love is comfort.   Love is non-excluding.  Love is never abusive.  Love is forgiving.  Love is large enough to encompass all who desire to have it.  Love is eternal.  True love is Christlike.  

Who doesn't want love?  

No one.

Death and Grief

I know about death.  I know about grief.  I had my first experience with the loss of someone close to me when I was ten years old.  

My mother's baby sister was just eight years older than me, more like an older sister to me than an aunt.  She was a late-in-life, surprise baby for my grandparents.  My sisters and I would spend spring breaks, Christmas breaks, and summer vacations visiting so we were like the pesky little sisters she didn't have by birth.  We loved teasing her when her boyfriends would come over.  She would tell us to stop watching her put her makeup on and curl her hair when she would get ready in the mornings.  She would yell at us for waking her up on Saturday mornings at 6:30 am.  And yet, we still looked up to her with all the admiration little sisters do.  

She got engaged to the love of her life while she was a Senior in high school and the wedding was set.  Her high school graduation, 18th birthday, and wedding were just days apart from each other.  My sisters and I were in charge of the gift table, the signature book, and keeping the refreshment table stocked at her wedding.  It was a happy time and I felt important and so full of excitement for her and my newest uncle.  

Soon after the wedding they took off to Texas to start their new life together.  Just three short weeks later, I came home from school to find my mother in her bedroom, sobbing.  The grief was written all over her.  This was not a common event in our home and I immediately knew something was wrong.  My mother's baby sister had been hit by a drunk driver and was in critical condition.  She lived long enough for my grandparents to get there and say goodbye.  At ten years old I had my first taste of real grief and my first experience with death. 

In the eighteen years that followed, besides my young aunt, I lost my paternal grandfather to a heroic act of bravery where he rescued his neighbor from a burning trailer and lost his own life in the process, a mother-in-law to cancer, three of my husband's grandparents to old age, one of his grandparents to a car accident, my maternal grandfather to an unexpected heart attack, and one miscarriage.  Just this year, after ten years without losing someone close to me, I lost my paternal grandmother to old age as well.  I know about death.  I know about grief.

A person can't help but think about what comes next in times like that.  Death has a way of bringing our beliefs to the very surface, forcing us to examine who we are, why we are here, and where we are going.  We have to look within ourselves and decide how to live our lives.  If we allow ourselves to feel the pain, experience the grief, look beyond reason for spiritual strength and understanding, and search for the truth of eternal things, we can overcome the pain and continue to live healthy lives.  We can more fully live our lives to the fullest, with meaning and purpose that guide the moral fabric we and the world are made of.  But too often, I see people stop at the pain and stay there, stalled at an impasse, unwilling or unable to gather the courage to move forward.  That always breaks my heart to see.

I write about this today because a dear friend has lost her husband to a short and quick battle with cancer.  I grieve for them and with them today.  Today I mourn with those that mourn.  My prayers are with a family in need of comfort.  My faith is that Heavenly Father will bless them with that gift.  This family will be okay.  They believe, as I, in an eternal life where family units are forever and perpetuated beyond the grave.  This husband and wife were sealed together by the sealing power of one with authority in the Temple of God.  Because of these covenants made, they will still be husband and wife forever, beyond "Till death do us part". 

I am not afraid to die.  I am not afraid to lose someone I love.  Death is part of life.  We all have to die.  That is a natural fact.  I know that we will go on and continue to live.  Our bodies and spirits will be reunited when the Savior comes again, because of the resurrection promised to each of us when He was resurrected as part of the Atonement.  My perspective is eternal, not earthly.  That gets me through and brings me great comfort.  Death is not the end.  So I grieve for the loss I feel, but I don't remain at the impasse.  I continue on and live.  My loved ones would want that.  And so I live for them.

Bag Full of Rocks

I've been dealing with so many emotions lately.  I'm an emotional person.  I feel things deeply and often react largely.  Sometimes I hurt feelings or offend without even an ounce of effort.  Being so passionate is one of my greatest weaknesses as well as one of my greatest strengths, all rolled up together in one tight little ball.  It can be frustrating and overwhelming, but also, on the flipside, rewarding and spiritual.  

Writing has been a good outlet for all of these thoughts and emotions that I know, truly, no one really wants to hear from me out loud.  If I write them, any given person can read them or not.  Most of the time I have no idea who is reading these posts, but I can see certain stats like the one that tells me my second highest pageviews come from Russia.  Who would have guessed?  I can't imagine why anyone in Russia would want to read my ramblings.  Maybe they aren't really reading my posts, but rather coming to my blog for my Marriage printable... That would actually be the more logical explanation, since that is what most of the traffic comes for.

Anyway, enough on that tangent.  Lately I've been back to base one in the anger field.  I have been toting around a bag full of rocks with anger towards one thing or another and it is beginning to get heavy!  I really need to throw some of the rocks out of my bag.  It's beginning to make me a hunch back from all the weight... figuratively speaking.  In either case, it isn't healthy.

So then I ask myself, 'Why am I doing this?  How did I get here?  Again.'  

And then I remember that I am human.  And finite.  And weak. And susceptible to temptation.  And I try to stop beating myself up enough to get to work on fixing my bad attitude.  It's not like I don't know how to fix it.  I've done it enough times.  I can do it again.  

The first thing I always come to is that I am angry because I am not doing what I need to in order to keep myself spiritually fed.  I'm lazy and neglectful of my spiritual health.  I'm lazy and neglectful of my physical health.  I'm not taking care of myself like I should.  It's hard to give water away when the well is empty.  So I realize I have let my well run dry again and it's time to get to work filling it back up.  That means eating healthier, exercising, drinking more water and less pop, praying daily - both personally and with my family, studying and pondering my scriptures - not just reading them - pondering them.  I need to watch less TV and spend more time playing with my kids.  I need to serve my family more.  I need to serve everyone more.  I need to do this so that I can focus on relieving someone else's troubles rather than worrying about my own. I need to laugh more.  I need to stop getting offended and feeling like every little thing is a personal vendetta against me or one of my kids.  And I can be kinder.

Time is precious.  And it slips by so quickly.  My anger makes me waste it.  It prevents me from living my life.  It clouds my judgement and increases my paranoia.  It cuts me off from the people I love and from knowing and loving new people.  I just want to be like the little boy in the previous video.  Innocent. Humble.  Thoughtful. Full of faith. I want to be like him.  If I can be like that I won't have any more rocks called "Anger" in my bag.  It's time to get to work throwing the rocks away.  And I better get a move on.  No one can do it for me.  I can only do this myself.  Time's a wastin'!  

The Simple Faith of a Child

The simple faith of child can teach us so much.   It's no wonder we are taught that a child shall lead them.  I hope I can be as humble and teachable as this little boy.

Ten Commandments Printable

I think society would be so much better off if we could all just, at a minimum, live these ten basic laws.  Don't you agree?

Size: 8x10

FREE DOWNLOAD HERE

America Printable

5x7 Size

8x10 Size

Godly Sorrow

We live in a hard world.  A world of instant gratification, entitlement, and greed.  There is a drug or cure for almost any problem.  We can fly across the world in a matter of hours and talk to anyone at any time.  We live in big houses and drive fast cars.  We are a spoiled generation with conveniences at our fingertips that millions of people from the past could have only dreamed of.  We are busy, distracted, and self centered.  The world revolves around me...  This mentality is killing us... spiritually.  And making us emotionally numb.  It's no wonder so many people have chosen to abandon God.  It's easier that way and they never have to worry about feelings of guilt.

It's a sad situation to be in.  I wish I could help others understand.  

As I grow older and hopefully wiser, I am continually gaining a greater understanding as to how the Atonement works and the vital role it plays in our lives.  How grateful I am for that divine sacrifice in my behalf and in behalf of all mankind.  

In order for the Atonement to truly be applied to us, we need to understand what godly sorrow is.  We need to have this godly sorrow if we are to be forgiven from our sins, especially sins of a serious nature.  Each time I experience this form of sorrow I am cleansed and humbled and my gratitude for the precious gift given to us by Jesus Christ is renewed.  I feel His love for me and the love our Father in Heaven feels for me.  It is a private and personal experience that can only be attained by the prayerful seeking of our Father's forgiveness.  It is a deep sorrow that comes from deep within the soul and proceeds to the point of a physical reaction that leaves the sinner not only spiritually exhausted, but physically exhausted as well.  It's a process that brings us to our very knees caused by the shame we feel for our wrongs.  The more we understand this process and seek that "oneness" with God, the more often we will experience it because we become acutely aware of our sins, and our desire to be clean before God takes precedence over our desire to do and have the things of the world, therefore shedding the skin of the natural man as spoken of by Paul in the 2nd chapter of 1 Corinthians in the New Testament.

It gives new understanding and meaning to Ecclesiastes 1:18, which says: 'For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.'  In other words, the more we seek to know God and to live our lives based on an eternal perspective, the greater our desire is to live His laws and obey His commandments.  And when we sincerely apply that knowledge to our lives, the more sorrow we feel for even the smallest of sins.  We begin to have a watered down understanding as to the kind of suffering Jesus Christ went through in the Garden of Gethsemane when he bled from every pore for the sins of the world.  When we feel that sorrow for our sins, we suffer in a similitude as to how He suffered and our sins are forgiven.  That is how the Atonement works.  That is how repentance works.  

When the process is completed we can feel a true peace and joy like none other.  It's like coming up out of the water for air.  We are truly "born again".  We are cleansed and back on the path to life with our Father in Heaven once again.  That moment when the Holy Ghost whispers to your mind and heart that you have been forgiven by God is a humbling and unspeakable experience.  It's as if you can physically feel the arms of our Father in Heaven wrap around you in a warm embrace and it's as though He were here and whispering in your ear how much He loves you.  It is a beautiful thing.  

How grateful I am for guilt.  How grateful I am that I can know by my guilt when I have offended God so that I can take the steps necessary to make it right again.  My greatest desire is to please God and to be in good standing before Him.  He is the Father of my spirit and I am his daughter.  As long as I live I will do what is necessary, again and again to accomplish that.  So the world can continue to turn away from Him if they choose.  They can belittle me if they choose.  They can live in a world that revolves only around them.  They can do as they choose.  I won't stop them.  But as for me, I will choose to believe in Jesus Christ and in God.  I will devote my life to them.  I cannot deny the experiences I have had.  I have felt their love for me.  I know they are real.  I will be obedient to God's commandments to the best of my ability and when I mess up, I will repent and I will begin again.  And I will be at peace.  

Spreading Her Wings and Letting Her Go

I have to wonder.  Did I look that young when I drove out of my parent's driveway twenty years ago with everything I owned packed into my 1979 Ford Mustang?  Somehow, I don't recall so.

I just dropped her off at her apartment with all of her belongings that fit in the trunk of my car.  I am back at my hotel, giving her space to register for her classes and get acquainted with her new roommates.  Only one of them was there when I dropped her off.  Apparently three of the four girls brought their guitars, including my daughter.  She has decided they are going to get along just fine now and her anticipation has eased.  

One more day with her and I will be heading back home.  

The grieving process began weeks ago.  I should be used to it.  I've gone through it so many times now.  That is one thing life has taught me and I embrace it because it helps us to move on, readjust, and accept change.  It is so important to embrace the grieving process, however mild or extreme it may be.  I don't think people truly understand this process and that every life change is accompanied by it.  Even the good life changes have a measure of the grief process involved because you are leaving behind a life as it once was for a new life as it is now.  So I allow myself to feel it all as it comes.  I guess that is why I am a crier.  When I feel overwhelmed, sad, afraid, nervous, or angry - I cry.  I don't try to stop it or hold it in because I need to let those emotions out and that is a safe way to do so.  But I hate to cry in front of people.  That embarrasses me... not even my husband or kids, if I can help it.  I like to cry in the shower because no one can see me and then I can wash the tears away, along with my emotions.  Writing is also a good avenue for me.  That's why I am writing right now.  I need to get it all out before I go back to pick her up to go grocery shopping with her one last time.

I am emotionally and physically drained at this point, but so excited for the journey in front of this girl we have raised.  She is beyond ready.  I am too, but I am going to miss her more than I could have imagined.  I talk a hard talk to let her think that I can't get her out the door fast enough so that it will be easier for her to move on, but secretly I am so sad and will miss her so much.  I've had her for 18 1/2 years.  It's time to let her be her own person.  I want her to succeed so I won't hold her back.  

It's funny though.  I could see the same green look of worry and sadness on dozens of moms and dads also letting their precious treasure go.  We are all doing the same thing... holding back at a close distance, trying to let our kids be independent by doing the talking, getting the keys, asking the questions.  Hovering a little to make sure they really are going to be able to take care of themselves, not too much, but ready to jump in at the first sign of falter.  We all have the same thing going on and it was comforting for me to see it on their faces and in their body language as well.  I'm not alone in this.  

A new chapter has begun in my book of life.  My book has been a good read so far.  I can only imagine the rest of the story will be just as good, if not better.  I am soaking up each day as it comes, trying not to take a single one for granted, embracing it.  My life is pretty average compared to the rest of the population, but I love it so much.  I am at peace and feel joy in my life.  So I will put on my happy face and spend my last day with her so that she will be happy and content when I leave.  I want to give her the best new start she can have.  Because I'm a mother and I love her.  And that's what mothers do.

Reclaimed

I love this!  Have a wonderful Sabbath Day!

 

Service Printable

I'm finally feeling some creativeness after several months.

This scripture has been on my mind a lot lately so I thought I would share it.

As always, it is a free printable.

This is an 8x10 size.

 .jpg DOWNLOAD HERE   OR  .pdf DOWNLOAD HERE

Leaving the Nest

I haven't been able to write for the past few months.  I've been in a mid-life crisis of sorts.  You see, my only daughter, my oldest child, is ready to leave the nest and this week I will be transporting her two states away and leaving her at the steps of her new home.  She will be embarking on a new journey of independence, education, and personal accountability.  The roller coaster of emotions have been extremely difficult for this mother to handle.  She is ready to go and I am ready to send her, but my mother heart worries for all of the "what ifs".  

I find great comfort in knowing that thousands, no, millions of mothers have done this very thing.  I am certainly not the first, nor will I be the last, but this is new for me, so in many ways it feels like I am the only one to ever go through this.  It is teaching me never to discount anyone else's experience because we all handle situations differently.  

The lists that were  made weeks ago have been checked and re-checked.  The boxes are packed and the totes are being filled.  Each day I awake with one more thing I need to be sure and send with her.  Today that list consists of a potato masher, seasonings from my cupboard, silverware, and plastic baggies. 

The main realization that hits me square in the head as I navigate this part of my journey is that my kids have never really been mine.  I've just been borrowing them from Heavenly Father for a while - to love, teach, nurture, and prepare them for life.  The only time they were ever truly mine was when I carried them in my womb.  The minute they are born they begin to grow up and grow away from us.  We begin to teach them right away:  to hold a bottle by themselves; to crawl, walk, run; to feed themselves; to go away from us for a few hours per day at church and then at school; to wash their own clothes; to cook a box of macaroni and cheese; eventually to get a job, save some money, pay some bills.  We teach them to take care of themselves because we know they grow up and need to live their own lives.  It is how it is supposed to be.

I'm sending her out as prepared as I know how.  I'm sending her out with as many of the basic staples she might need to be as self sufficient as possible - flour, sugar, seasonings, some canned goods, an inexpensive set of pots & pans, cleaning supplies, etc.  This is my gift to her for working so hard.  She has enough money saved to cover her first year.   She earned it all and I'm proud of her.  She will pay for her schooling and living expenses herself so she can appreciate it and not take her education for granted.  Hopefully she will continue to work hard and be careful with her small savings so that she can succeed with her dreams.  

I can't think of what else I can do to prepare her.  The time is here and it's time to let her go and figure out who she is and decide for herself who she will be and what she will believe.  I have taught her as much as I can and now I have to set her free.  I love her so much that all I want is for her to be happy and to have joy in her life, free from mistakes.  But I know that our mistakes are what help us to grow and learn so I will hope and pray that her mistakes are not serious ones that will cause her harm or anyone else harm.  I will pray a little more sincerely that a loving Heavenly Father will watch over and protect her since I won't be able to do that anymore.  

I've spoken much about change and how important it is to be courageous in the midst of it.  I'm finding that I need great courage for this time in my life.  Thankfully I am finding it.  My prayers for peace and comfort are constantly being answered in unique ways - from a hug from a friend to an email of encouragement from friends far away.  It is an exciting time for her and for us.  I get to see her fly and I can't wait to see where the wind takes her.  She's ready and so shall I be.  I can do this.  I will do this.  It's how it's meant to be.